After my initial shock and disgust, I reflected upon and wrestled with these questions as continuing revelations of sexual misconduct by powerful and influential men made the headlines:
How might our relationships be different if sex was revered as sacred?
- …if the body of our partner was cherished and treated with reverence?
- …if the raw force of sexual desire was transformed into a sacred channel of conscious love?
How might our relationships be different if power was revered as sacred?
- …if power was regarded as infinite and meant to be shared?
- …if power was conferred only on those who empower others?
Could the #Me Too Movement be the beginning of a healing process?
- …could exposing sexual misconduct and misuse of power be a way of draining an abscess in the service of healing a very old infected cultural wound?
- …could exposing the shadow sides of sex and power make room for sacred dimensions to emerge?
I admire the courage of the women who gave voice to the unspeakable. I grieve for the loss of favor for the men I admired and who used poor judgment in navigating our culture’s veneration for male power at the expense of respect for women. I recognize that some of the men are suffering from a disorder and may be beyond rehabilitation. They must be held responsible and we must be protected from them. I am realistic.
In my better moments, I also search for signs of hope in the worst of situations. To me, it seems a wiser way of living than falling prey to a victimization and doomsday mindset.
And that leads to more questions.
- How do we bring wisdom and compassion to the human beings caught up in this painful, healing process?
- Would walking in their shoes make a difference?
- As a culture, are we all culpable of sending mixed messages that help create this challenging situation?
You never truly understand a person until you consider things from his (her) point of view … until you climb in his (her) skin and walk around in it. ~Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird
Here are my initial attempts to truly understand:
Climbing into a girl’s/a woman’s skin ~~
- Women generally are judged by their attractiveness to men.
- Enjoying male attention isn’t an invitation to be abused.
- Women usually fear the consequences if we protest demeaning and disrespectful behavior…especially at work.
- Women struggle with how to protect ourselves and our bodies from violation by someone with power over us…especially the power to hire or fire us.
Climbing into a boy’s/a man’s skin ~~
- Boy’s aggressiveness is excused with “boys will be boys.” They grow up believing they have no control over their behavior and thus do not expect to be held accountable. When women object, they wonder why we are “so sensitive.” They excuse their offensive behavior as “only a joke or a comment.”
- “Be a man” means being strong and showing no vulnerability. Men are often shamed for showing their soft side and not being “in control” of their feelings. This has to be very confusing.
- Men may believe that women want them to come on strong. They are told they must be the first one to initiate contact.
Let’s face it. This is soul-shattering for all of us. I choose to believe and hope that we are in the midst of a revolution in the way we relate to each other…that “a better way” of connecting is emerging…something I have longed for since I was ten years old.
And to me, that is something to celebrate.
I’ve included links if you would like to delve into this topic more deeply.
I would love to hear your thoughts and reflections.
I see the #metoo movement as a long overdue movement for women to step into their own power as human beings. For healing to begin, men will need to recognize, acknowledge, and take responsibility for their own part in violence against women, even if that part is simply looking the other way or assuming that men should have more power than women. And women are culpable, too. We are more than 50% of the population, so why have we allowed ourselves to be subject to men for so long? Why have we looked the other way, and why do we continue to suppress and victim-blame each other? All of this must be recognized and acknowledged before healing can begin and equal relationships of power with, rather than power over, can be nurtured. Just my $.02.
Wow, Amber, I think this is the first time you have ever commented on my blog. Thank you for sharing your $.02. I’m glad you mentioned the culpability of we women. It is so easy to blame others. We all have a part in perpetuating this soul-shattering situation for men and women. We are all in need of healing … and an important part of that for me is recognizing the sacredness of sex and power. I don’t think most people even consider that sex and power are sacred gifts.
I agree with it all. And (as Dr. Pat Love has said), it will take women taking a seriously long look at the history of misandry, using superior emotional /verbal skills to abuse men, and emotional incest of mothers (and not just fathers). I think it’ll also take including the centuries of using men as ‘success objects.’ Effective resolution of the problem of sexual assault and abuse will also require admitting to the increase of virulent criticism/blaming/shaming in monological fashion, lying with false accusations and exaggerations (often for money, sometimes just for revenge) within the victim mentality, and generally the dark shadows of the immature feminine and not just a sole focus on the immature masculine….all using a dialogical process of mutual curiosity, respect, validation and empathy. Men and women have great power over one another, and only with the mature feminine (Nurturing) and the mature Masculine (Power, as in empowering Self and others in addition to Protector) in the Dialogue will peace come alive. “Nobody is to blame. Everyone is responsible (for their part).”
Thank you, Damian, for adding these important points to the conversation. Very much appreciated. You have given me some food for thought. Would make for a powerful dialogue.
I worked in the field of preventing workplace harassment throughout the 90s. What I see with #MeToo is that people actually believe the women and men who are stepping forward to hold abusers accountable. That will go a long way in obtaining justice. To create change – that’s a complex subject worth contemplation and discussion. We (men and women) have been under the spell of patriarchy for thousands of years – it’s an archetypal force that has served our evolutionary development and crushes us in post modern times.
Thanks, Jen, for doing this important work. I agree, the subject is complex. I just think if we had an image of sex and power as sacred gifts, we’d have something positive to be moving toward instead of the almost total focus being on anger and blame. Thank you for your comments.