You haven’t heard from me since October 3. I have been ill and am convinced stress about the divide in our country brought it on. The following is an essay I wrote for the Cincinnati Writer’s Group on the topic: “The Future.” They loved it. Hope you will, too.
Since the September 27 testimony of Christine Blasey Ford and the October 6 vote to confirm, my whole being has felt under assault. Actually, the assault began on September 26 when I viewed Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 11/9. I left the theater heartbroken.
In Moore’s juxtaposing the plight of various communities of ordinary Americans against the increasingly unaccountable, uncaring elite, he showed clips of Obama’s visit to Flint, Michigan during their lead-in-the-water scandal. The mostly black citizens thought their hero was riding in on his big white presidential jet to save them. Instead, in two separate instances, he barely wet his lips as he took a glass of their water, mocking their concerns as though they were no big deal. Demoralized, the citizens of Flint decided voting was a useless activity. Who could blame them. And without their votes, the majority in Michigan went to you know who.
The next morning, September 27, I was glued to the television for Dr. Ford’s testimony. That evening I viewed Dark Money which examines the influence of untraceable corporate money on our elections and elected officials in the wake of the supreme court’s Citizens United decision. Highlighting Montana, it uncovers how American elections are bought and sold … and because the money can’t be traced, it is probable some of it comes from foreign sources. Nikita Khrushchev’s prophetic words heard over fifty years ago when I was young and impressionable, rang in my ears, “We do not have to invade the United States, we will destroy you from within.”
On Sunday afternoon, October 7 following the previous day’s supreme court confirmation, I joined a small group of protesters at Court House Square. It seemed important to register my dissent. My psyche continued to struggle, however, and I’m convinced it lead to the breakdown in my body (virulent UTI resulting in fevers as high as 102.6) that began on October 10 and for which I still feel the effects as I write on October 21.
Looking for reassurance, along the way I listened to interviews with political historians touting new books: Jon Meacham’s The Soul of America: the Battle for our Better Angels; Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Leadership In Turbulent Times; Michael Beschloss’s Presidents of War. Was there reason for optimism in the lessons learned from other moments of rampant turmoil, fear, and division our country has survived? All fell short in providing the encouragement I sought.
For you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me. ~Jesus words in Matthew 26:11
These unsettling words haunted me these past weeks of inner turmoil and came to me as I prepared to write about “The Future.” I turned to the Gospel of Matthew. After being tried and found guilty, people in high places make plans to arrest and murder Jesus. Mary of Bethany anoints him with expensive ointment. The righteously indignant disciples argue that the ointment should have been sold and the money used to feed the poor. They are unable to grasp the beauty in this woman’s gift.
I’m right there with the disciples. With righteous indignation, for the past two years I have tried to emulate the marchers, protesters, dissenters, and activists I admire as my hopes and dreams for our country have been steadily murdered by those in high places and world-wide suffering beyond imagination continues seemingly unabated. I scream at the television. I live with the sense of never doing enough. My sense of powerlessness grows as I come to terms with the fact that darkness has been with us since the beginning of time and is with us still.
We will always have poverty and income inequality; misogyny and all forms of prejudice, discrimination, and marginalization; abuse of power; stolen elections; bribery, dishonest and fraudulent misconduct in high places; injustice and murder and all forms of silencing critics and dissenters.
A dawning awareness. Jesus is not an idealist like me … he is a realist. He accepted the reality of darkness. And he did not allow it to define him nor corrode his appreciation of Mary’s gift. Once more I am called to accept my powerlessness over what I do not like. I am called to take off my rose-colored glasses and let go of my reactive anger at injustice. I need balm to anoint the dying idealist within and soothe her aching heart and weary body.
On Thursday evening, October 18, the sleep I need evades me. I reach for my iPad and tap the podcast icon. I tap Krista Tippett’s “On Being,” seeking soothing and wisdom. I tap on her conversation titled “The Deep Stories of Our Times.” Stories soothe my soul. Arlie Hochschild is a sociologist who focuses on the human emotions which underlie moral beliefs, practices, and social life. She understands emotions. Perhaps she possesses balm for my soul.
Hochschild, realizing in 2011 that she needed to get out of her bubble in Berkeley, immersed herself for five years doing research among Louisiana supporters of the Tea Party. She believes that meaningful encounters with difference enlarges her as a human being. I’m hooked.
If you want to make a social contribution and help build a public conversation about the big issues of the day, you have to really be good at emotion management. It’s a contribution to the larger whole, to be really good at that. ~Arlie Hochschild
Arlie relays an encounter with a gospel singer who loves Rush Limbaugh. Seizing an opportunity to enlarge herself, she invites the woman to join her for tea and a conversation about why. The woman agrees.
During tea the woman tells her she loves Limbaugh because he hates feminazis and wacko environmentalists. Then she wants to 
know if it’s hard for Arlie to listen to her. Determined to climb an “empathy wall” by approaching people very different than herself with a great deal of curiosity about their experiences and viewpoints, Arlie says, “Actually, it’s not hard at all. I have my alarm system off, and I’m learning about you, and you are doing me such a big favor to share your thoughts. I can’t tell you how grateful I am.”
The gospel singer admits to having an “alarm system,” too, that she uses with her kids and parishioners. Arlie thinks, “OK, let’s start with that, a little common ground.” Later the gospel singer admits to having an “empathy wall,” as well.
Arlie points out that following these ground rules for social life does not mean that you are capitulating or being taken over, as many on the left believe. It just means you are being emotionally intelligent. My body relaxes. I return home to myself.
We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us … ~Romans 12:6
Many gifts, one spirit. One love known in many ways. ~Hymn written by Al Carmines
This is the future I intend to live into … the only future over which I have any control. This is the contribution to the larger whole I am called to make. I prepare to enter the Living Room Conversation on Monday evening, October 22, hosted by my friend, Diana and her co-facilitator, Nancy. I don my “empathy wall” climbing boots, put my idealistic reactivity in check, and turn my alarm system off. With an intention to follow Hochschild’s example, I enter with huge curiosity about the “others” in the room.
And I succeed! I feel into the awkwardness of another participant when she describes being confronted with how to handle a situation related to political correctness without triggering offense in others. This is the activist that all of my relationship therapy training has prepared me to be. This is me at my best. I am enlarged.
Linda,
I resonate with your words and struggle. After 911, I learned to turn off the news and refocus on something I have some control over, say, washing dishes and cleaning my kitchen. I do what I can. And take time for naps, yoga, and things that nourish my soul. It’s easy here in my Chapel Hill bubble never to talk with those who disagree but I have intentionally once or twice put on my “curiosity hat” and done so. It has been illuminating.
Best wishes for your health and well being,
Alice
Thanks for your comments, Alice,
You have been taking a lot better care of yourself than I have … especially of late. Would love to hear how you found it illuminating to put on your “curiosity hat.”
Thanks, also, for your well wishes.
Hi Linda,
I can’t say I have stepped too far out but I did talk to a woman in my chorus with whom I already felt a connection. We had ridden together to a memorial service of a fellow chorus member and talked about husbands (she is a widow and I newly married) and careers and kids. She had been a music teacher before she retired, I had thought of that path, so we had some things in common. Then at one rehearsal after the election, another friend, a retired pharmacist who knew I was a clinical social worker, asked me for my psychological opinion of why people voted for Trump. Before I could reflect and answer, my widow friend joined us and spoke up “I am a Trump supporter!” Wow. I didn’t know that. I intentionally put on my “curiosity hat” and asked to hear more. As I recall, she said her husband had been a businessman and Trump was a businessman. Her husband had had some difficulties with the local council in their town whom she felt didn’t understand business. We didn’t have time to talk at length or in any depth. What I took away was that her love for her businessman husband was a factor in her choice of who to vote for. I found that illuminating if only from a brief conversation.
More recently I had another conversation with another woman friend in chorus, a retired teacher, also widowed. We were working together to put out food for a reception for our new conductor. I don’t recall how the subject came up, but she told me she voted for Trump because she couldn’t stand Hillary. She went on to say she couldn’t stand the way he talks and didn’t support his behavior, but “He’s gotten so much done!” To which I asked, “Like what?” and she replied, “The economy.” That’s as far as it went in the time we had. I would have said I give more credit to Obama for the health of our economy but it’s probably better that I just listened.
I have a first cousin I dearly love with whom I rarely talk politics because he has always been a loyal Republican. I believe the one time we did talk politics was during the Iraq War and the result was me suggesting we agree to disagree. He lives in Alexandria where I grew up and has a wife with bad dementia. I try to visit once a year and call more often to offer support for what he’s going through.
I too grieve for the deep divide between people these days. Check my facebook page for an article by my cousin Neil Mackay from Scotland about the need to pay more attention to the danger from the right. He has covered stories for 20 years as a journalist and doesn’t agree with the “lone actor” theory.
Take good care of yourself, dear friend, and keep writing,
Alice
Thank you, Alice, for following up on your efforts to put on your “curiosity hat.” We have our second Living Room Conversation today and the topic is “Guns and Responsibility.” This is our first time getting into a dicey conversation. So, I hope to enter in the same spirit as the first time and hope to make a connection with someone on the other side.
Thank you for the encouragement to keep writing. Sometimes I wonder if it makes any kind of difference. I’m pleased to have received so many comments on this post. It helps to expand me to hear from and connect with others. So thank you for contributing to my well-being.
I’m heading for your facebook page right now.
Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing this. I will look for an opportunity to enlarge my horizens.
Good for you, Carol. I look forward to hearing how it goes.
Hi Linda. This post deeply resonates with me. I, too, was glued to the Supreme Court hearings for two solid days and by day three (Saturday) I had a down-for-the-count migraine. Being sensitive Beings – our bodies are impacted by what’s going on in the world. I, too, listened to Hochschild’s interview and am inspired by her work. As a qualitative researcher, I call it maintaining neutrality so there is space inside of me to actually hear an opposing perspective. It does require emotional intelligence and heart-centered wisdom.
On a practical issue, I have cut the chord and no longer have cable TV nor have I purchased an antenna for local/network programming. I used to watch the ABC Nightly News with David Muir (I love him) and no longer tune in. I would watch nightly news for 30 minutes, NPR intermittently throughout the day and tune in to CNN when there was a major event. Now I have a little NPR and the basic headlines in my email feeds and my nervous system is so much more relaxed. I could stream the hearings on Youtube. I miss David Muir but eliminating the visual component is helping me be healthier. The consistent visual assault is so hard to process.
As the horrific news unfolds about the shooting at a Pittsburgh synagogue with 11 elders murdered, my place of neutrality goes into hiding. I know that neutrality is within me but I am angry, devastated and disheartened by the all too common brutality of hate in our country. Hate, vitriol, a president who fans the flame, mental illness, easy access to guns… There is no reprieve and yet we go on. I am deeply touched by Mary’s balm, by her compassion and nurturing spirit. May her sweet balm soothe us all in the turbulence of life on Earth. Much love to you, Linda.
Thank you for sharing how you are practicing self-care, Jen,
I have been using the delete button a lot more with all the political e-mails I get. I’m spending less time on Facebook because I miss hearing about my friends lives. With their new algorithm, I get mostly political posts on my timeline. And I’m watching less news than before.
I am remembering your neutral stance as you interviewed me for your qualitative research project. You did it so well.
I, too, am in horror about the shooting in Pittsburgh and frightened about the tone in our country. I hope being involved in the Living Room Conversations will make a contribution to healing the divide. It is what I can do and I must admit, I have difficulty feeling as though it is enough.
I finished reading Arlie’s book this morning and have a better sense of my own deep story that drives my emotional reaction to the issues. I look forward to identifying where the facts challenge my story.
May all of us sensitives find ways to soothe our aching hearts and the pain around the world. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Linda, I loved your article, though I’m saddened to hear about your illness. You made total sense throughout, too. And I loved Arlie’s story. Many of the first Imago Relationship Therapists left the Imago Community in the 1990’s and early 21st century because they experienced /perceived a tilt to liberal /progressive politics that was total. I agree with them, and it persists today. It’s interesting as I near my departure from the Imago Community I love (just want to go in different directions, literally and figuratively), that I only hear a few veiled references to politics since we banned those postings to our elist and even at our Conferences there are only veiled references. I believe that Imago has never practiced its principles when it comes to politics. Essential to the concept of Intentional Dialogue is open-mindedness, curiosity and respect of the Other, and a willingness to change my mind. AA has so much wonderful spiritual and frankly psychological wisdom, as you and I know vis a vis “The Spirituality of Imperfection.” And they stay out of politics completely. I like that although I also believe that personal responsibility, good citizenry, and my own core values calls me to educate myself before voting, using Imago curiosity. IMHO, the ‘divide’ can never even begin to close until more people, on both sides, begin to emulate Arlie and to use intentionality and dialogue. Someone said there were good people on both sides at Charlottesville as I recall and this should be a national awareness leading to Dialogue. They were castigated. And I believe the virulent criticism was from both sides. Until we start a process of true dialogue between ALL sides, including Neo-Nazis and those who hold opposite beliefs, nothing will change. Red & Blue. GOP and Democrats. Just my opinion. Nothing will change to the war that has been growing for decades, as people voted mostly with identity politics. Thx for your leadership!
Damian, I am shocked to hear that you are preparing to depart from the Imago community. You seem like a mainstay to me. I’m curious about what your different direction is.
I have been away from the community for several years now, but I heard that there was an attempt to do a communologue at a conference with opposite sides of the political spectrum. I’m sorry people feel the need to leave because of the viewpoints of the majority and wish this community could be a leader in the healing our country so desperately needs.
I must say, I am not at the place to dialogue with neo-nazis. I can’t quite imagine that happening at this juncture. I want to strengthen my ability to climb the empathy wall with conservatives before tackling more entrenched views. At least I’m making an effort to get out of my bubble. It is interesting, even though I live in a mostly red state, I have a bubble I move in. I can’t claim leadership as yet. I’m definitely a learner and so grateful for Arlie’s example as a model. I’m also grateful for the Imago tools I’ve gained and for the opportunity to use them more widely.
Thank you so much for responding to my post. It means a lot to me to hear from my readers … and I continue to be amazed that you are one of them. You honor me.