My friend, Marvel, called to update me on the results of her most recent doctor’s appointment. I updated her on my trip to be evaluated for cataract surgery. She said, “We used to have very different conversations.” Just a few weeks before, we’d been planning a trip.
My Favorite Tree at Cox Arboretum 2015 and 2021 … She’s aging, too.
Sage Sister “Organ Recitals”
Four women in our 70s and 80s formed a Sage Sisters group, to the best of my recollection, sometime in 2013. We were feisty… determined to age consciously and with wisdom. We searched for ways to practice “eldering” … sharing our wisdom with younger folks. We were determined to make a difference until our dying day. At the time, that day seemed far off.
Two originals made their transition, one while experiencing Alzheimer’s. We continued, adding new members. Cindi and I are now the group’s elders.
Our conversations have evolved into what Cindi calls, “organ recitals.”
- Neuropathy
- High blood pressure
- A husband’s developing Alzheimer’s
- Cataract surgery
- Acid reflux
- Scoliosis
We spice it up with horror stories about appointments with less-than-empathetic physicians … enthusiastically grateful when we find one with good doctor-patient relationship skills … with our disenchantment with mainstream medicine and our exploration of more holistic, complementary approaches.
Death On Our Minds
Grateful to be meeting in person again for the first time in over a year, we finished Who Dies: An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying by Stephen and Ondrea Levine. This book guided our conversations on zoom during the pandemic.
On the first anniversary of Cindi’s husband’s death, we dove into the final chapters, “The Moment of Death” and “The After Death Experience.” They tell the tale of our group’s most recent evolution.
…the moment of death is often a moment of great quietude and peace. …in the moments before death, an opening … an okayness that is felt. The mind and the heart gradually seem to become unified. ~Page 268
Cindi witnessed that unification of her husband’s mind and heart in his process of dying and said she could never have understood these words if not for that touching experience.
A Changing Conversation with My Dad
My dad said to me once when he was in his 80s, “I think I’m a jinx to my friends.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
“They’re all dying.”
I replied, “Dad, you aren’t causing them to die. You are living to a ripe old age, (he was 90 when he died) and I’m afraid friends dying will be your experience.”
Younger than he when we had that conversation (I will soon be 79), I can now relate, if not to his angst, at least to his grief. I recently lost three close friends in close succession:
- May 25: Barbara, my best friend of close to 50 years, died after almost 20 years dealing with Alzheimer’s
- June 12: Her devoted husband, Bill, of a glioblastoma
- June 18: Alice, a beloved mentor from my youth, of complications from Crohn’s disease and a stroke
Diving Deeper into Death
Perhaps because we are the elder Sage Sisters, Cindi and I are thinking more and more about our own deaths. She suggested our next book and we all agreed. At our next meeting, we will begin our exploration of conscious dying with Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End by Atul Gawande.
In recent weeks, I’ve been following Terry Patten’s Caring Bridge site. On April 1, his 70th birthday, Terry received a life-changing rare cancer diagnosis. That has certainly changed his conversations.
Before cancer, he felt an obligation to be in integrity with future generations and held a deep responsibility to make as big a difference as possible in our human predicament. He dedicated his life’s work to that endeavor. He wrote books, founded a podcast, and began developing a community of people who were in alignment with his passions.
Now, what concerns him is opening to the divine nature of the present moment.
And what is, is this moment. And this moment is luminous, empty, divine, radiant, endlessly deep, effervescent, full of grace, potentiated with unknown miracles. And so there’s been a really progressive exploration of that. ~Terry Patten’s response to a question about how his practice has evolved to deal with fear, doubt, and dread.
What an inspiration Terry is. A sage model to emulate. You can hear his full interview here.
With a bit of the wind out of our Sage Sister sails, we are still determined to live our lives until the end with conscious intention. We aspire to model this important way of being. Younger folks may look at us as strange or morbid … but one day, if they are lucky, their conversations will change, too.
Linda,
I am having similar conversations with my friends. I remember in my younger years going home to visit my parents and hearing my mother talk endlessly about her friends’ ailments and deaths. Then I listened, feeling a bit bewildered. Now I understand much better. I just turned 74 so am right behind you. I had cataract surgery five years ago. The results were miraculous. Best wishes with yours.
Alice
This technology stuff is interesting. Two posts from you. Have already replied to the first. On this one I see that your cataract surgery results were miraculous. Looking forward to the miracle. 🙂
Hi Linda,
I’m having similar conversations with my friends. In my younger years home visiting my parents, my mother would talk endlessly about her friends’ ailments and death. I listened without fully comprehending her preoccupation. Now I understand much better. I just turned 74 so I am right behind you. I recently read a book I recommend: AFTER: A PHYSICIAN EXPLORES NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES AND WHAT THEY REVEAL ABOUT LIFE AND BEYOND by Bruce Greyson, MD. Fascinating.
Five years ago I had cataract surgery. It wasn’t as bad as I feared and I love the result. Best wishes with yours.
Alice
Thank you for the good wishes with my cataract surgery, Alice,
I’m looking forward to having clearer vision … in more ways than one. Thanks, also, for the book recommendation. I am interested in the topic and curious about a physician’s perspective.
Yes, our perspective certainly does change with age. Just learned a few minutes ago about another loss of someone who supported and mentored me in my early professional career. And this morning, of the death of another friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time. Seems to be that time in our lives.
I’ve also been following the exciting events in your writer’s life. Good for you for moving forward. I look forward to hearing more.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friends, Linda. It’s also true that the journey ain’t over ’till it’s over. What’s better than experiencing life in all it’s fullness, from beginning until the very end? Our society fears death, but the truth is that that’s a process just as life is. Good for you, Sage Sisters!
Thank you, Cindy … the losses just keep coming. Yes, it is a part of life and seems to be a big part of my life these days. I don’t fear death, but I do fear the dying process. I think we’d all like it to be quick and painless though that is not always what we get. Even then, it is important to accept it as a part of the process of life. I’ll try to remind myself of that when my time comes. I think the discussions we Sage Sisters are having will help in that process.
On my way to bed I saw your newest piece and had to read it before retiring. Linda, thank you for using your gifts. This piece was stellar!!!!
Somehow “Cundi” instead of “Cindi” came up requiring me to approve this message. Very strange this technology stuff … as you well know. But now it is approved and I can thank you for appreciating what I wrote. If it is stellar, it is because of your sharing in our Sage Sister group. We are helping each other age with intention. So grateful for our mutual support.
Spirit Sister’s help us traverse the difficult, when young and old!!!! I am so grateful for that…
Me, too, Diana, and so grateful you are one of the Spirit Sisters in my life who helps me traverse my challenges with a bit more ease.
I’ve read Atul Gawande’s “Being Mortal” twice and have recommended it to many – you chose a good one! I’m in the process of reading “After”; I’m intensely interested in people’s experiences of “after”. I’m so sorry for the losses you’ve had to experience, Linda – especially that of a best friend. I’m glad you have such a wonderful support network!
Hi Ruth,
This will be my second reading of “Being Mortal.” I read it the first time about 8 years ago while visiting Barbara and Bill, my friends who recently passed. My visit came about a year after they moved to Portland, OR. Bill had been reading it and loved it and so I dug in on my visit to them.
I’m looking forward to reading it a 2nd time.
And WOW … you are the second commenter of this blog post who mentioned reading “After.” I will definitely have to look into that. I, too, am interested in people’s experiences “after.” I’ll bet my Sage Sisters will want to read this one, too.
Thank you for being part of my “wonderful support network.” Was wonderful seeing you again this morning.
Your blog posts always remind me to “stay in the now,” especially this one. There is so much wisdom inthe process of growing older and along the way we may lose many of our old friends and mentors but if we remain open to listening and learning, there is so much our younger Sage Sisters have to teach us. So glad they have you as a mentor, Linda. I’m with you on this path, as you so beautifully put it: “…determined to live our lives until the end with conscious intention.”
I’m curious about your remark that my blog posts always remind you to “stay in the now.” I’m not aware of writing them from that perspective. I feel guided by the Spirit most of the time with my posts, and that is certainly a spiritual message. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
You are so write about younger people having a lot to teach us, too. in fact, being open seems to be the key to learnng lots of important lessons in life. I find it an interesting experience and sometimes quite funny being confronted with my closed spots and discovering how much I have to learn in unexpected places. I guess that is part of what makes life interesting.
Thanks for being a companion on the path.
I read this blogpost when I first saw it the other night, but I was too sleepy to formulate a coherent response (yes, the joys of aging!). However, one of the things that stood out for me then, and stands out again now as I re-read it, is how much I always enjoy your writing style. It is so conversational, readable, and personal. The depth of the things you write about is what is most meaningful, but my enjoyment of your writing style is a part of my appreciating and savoring the moment. I do think about death and loss more as I am aging, and, as we’ve talked about in the groups we are in together, cherishing each moment is something I have been especially focusing on lately. I appreciate the moments of reading your blogposts because they flow so easily from you and I see your soul in them.
WOW, Carol,
I cherish the moment I read your comment about my post. Thank you for your appreciations about my writing style. Those came at a most opportune time as though I was meant to read them at this time. Wonderful synchronicity … and you know what that means … guidance from beyond speaking to both of us.