On July 25, I scheduled an appointment to see Andrea, a healer who utilizes an emotional polarity technique. In previous sessions, I experienced her tuning into me at remarkably deep levels. Amazing awareness resulted. This time, I couldn’t resonate with most of what she intuited. But one thing stayed with me. “I’m picking up on resentment.”
A Lurking Shadow
Our shadow is the part of us we reject. We don’t want to think that we are “like that” … possess “those” feelings/attitudes. So we are blind to these less than desirable parts of ourselves.
I knew I carried a lot of anger since March, the end of the lockdown. That in itself was unsettling, especially when I inappropriately expressed it and aimed at innocent people. I couldn’t identify what it was about. The only target I could identify is the pandemic. But others seemed to be handling it better than I did.
Hidden Agendas
The real mark of personal authenticity is not how intensely we can express our feelings but how honestly we can look at where we are coming from and spot the elements of clinging, manipulation, and personal agendas that make up so much of what we experience as our emotional life today.
~Cynthia Bourgeault
Coming to see what we don’t want to see about ourselves is a challenging process. Carl Jung called it “shadow work.” Difficult as it is, until we bring our shadow into consciousness, it controls us. The gift of shining a light on this distasteful aspect of ourselves is incredibly freeing.
For me, illuminating my resentment would decrease its hold on me.
And I was motivated to do this hard work for a larger reason than my own freedom. For me, attending to my personal growth and development is a contribution I can make to the greater good. It would certainly make it easier for others to be around me. And easier for me to be in my own skin.
It seemed I was now ready to face the source. The literature encouraged giving myself “grace” (my 2022 word) and offering “compassion” to my hidden parts. As a shame-based person, it’s important to realize that I’m human and, if I’m up for it, what I find may not be as bad as I think. I could only hope. 🙂
So, after the revelation about “chronic sorrow” detailed in my last two posts, I focused more intently on unraveling this aspect of the mystery. I prayed to be enlightened about my resentment.
Oh No, not “Why me?”
It is embarrassing to admit that what emerged is a more subtle form of the “Why me’s?” … making it difficult for me to spot. The more mature question is, “Why not me?” Because I knew better than to ask, “Why me?,” this subtle form of arrogance and entitlement took hold of me outside my awareness.
The source of my resentment came from a childhood longing for an expansive life.
When I finished treatment for lymphoma in 2009, I insisted on calling myself a “cancer thriver” not a “cancer survivor.” I didn’t want my life to be controlled by a disease … any disease. Attending support groups focusing on the aftereffects of the disease held no appeal for me. As soon as possible after finishing chemo and radiation, I joined a women’s exercise program to regain my strength.
And the truth is, as I look back on my life, from age 24, my life has had limitations placed on it in one way or another because of a disease … a hidden disease. To my credit, I creatively dealt with that puzzling reality. I found ways to expand my life beyond the constraints of mysterious symptoms.
When my daughter became unable to live independently and moved in with me in 2016, after an initial bout with depression, I found purpose in it. And the groups I participated in expanded my life in meaningful and fulfilling ways.
With the pandemic and the end of those meaningful and fulfilling avenues, I descended deeper into resentment. The hemmed-in life of a caregiver is not the life I longed for as a young woman nor the life I ever imagined for myself.
As I witnessed my friends lives opening up after the pandemic lockdown ended, my limitations smacked me in the face, sending lightning bolt sensations to my body. To compound that, a number of deaths of significant people in my life occurred. I was powerlessness to stop this cascade of losses.
Feelings Don’t Always Make Sense
Even though I am physically strong, terror about the limited resources to assist my daughter and me as I age and my body grows more infirm rose up. When the news featured senators arguing over the details of the Build Back Better bill … as care for elders and the disabled disappeared from the conversation, I dipped deeper into despair. Resentment toward our system for not providing adequate social safety nets, as European and Scandinavian countries do, welled up.
Full of fear and discontent, my resentment and anger intensified.
How could a proactive person like me have landed in this conundrum? “Why me?”
I didn’t like what I saw, but I did give myself some grace. That’s a lot of stress for one person to be carrying. My feelings and behavior finally made sense.
Now where do I go from here?
With that question, the next phase of my unfolding process commenced.
Read in a book yesterday the term, “unexpected consequence” and it rang a BIG bell in my head. “Hidden Agendas” and “Feelings That Don’t Make Sense” seem to continuously pop up with ‘unexpected consequences”. This inner work seems to never end BUT our response to it all can change and you continuously teach me that.
Yes, Diana, this inner work does seem to never end. It keeps life interesting and evolving. Even though it is painful at times, the alternative is so much worse. I think of my dear friend, Barbara. Alzheimer’s robbed her of being able to do her inner work. A living death for sure! And so much worse than staying with the process, no matter how dark. My experience is, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. If I stick with it long enough and tolerate and try to learn from the darkness, there is a reward at the end. That reward will be the subject of my next post.
I re-read this post again tonight. I continue to respect your willingness to look at the difficult aspects of your life and your reaction to them. That takes a great deal of courage. Life has put a lot of obstacles in your path to an expansive life.. Yet you continue to keep facing them in order to keep moving forward. I will be interested to hear about the reward you said you will talk about in your next post. . .