Quiet

I have been quiet … my last posting appearing on February 7. I began to doubt I had anything of value to share anymore. In this post, I will reveal what I recently learned during this quiet time while reading Susan Cain’s 2012-2013 book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

A Synchronistic Moment

I received a personal email from the author. I had been receiving Susan’s newsletter, The Kindred Letters, (written for “kindred spirits who prefer quiet over hubbub, depth over superficiality, and sensitivity over cool.”) for several months but hadn’t opened it. She asked if I was no longer interested and would like to unsubscribe.

It seemed a synchronistic moment. I had been pondering how my introverted tendencies make it harder for me to reach out for new friendships and experiences after the pandemic lockdown ended. I felt compelled to read Quiet.

People often say that the pandemic was easier for introverts because we aren’t as socially-oriented. It is true, I need a lot of silence and alone-time for reflection. I may not be a party animal, but, like everyone else, I am created for relationship. In fact, I devoted my professional life to deepening relationships. My love language is quality time. I value spending quality time basking in deep, sensitive relationships.

Post-pandemic, my reality is a bit of a shock. I have a dearth of relationships. With no family to rely upon for support and my pre-pandemic social networks diminished, I experience more aloneness than I want. I’m grateful for the one network that survived and even grew a bit, and I need more.

I miss the numerous pre-pandemic groups that met my need for the deep and sensitive. I tried developing these in online classes and groups and didn’t find it working well.

And so, I need to begin a new chapter. I need to reach out for new in-person connections. Not easy for a socially-awkward introvert in a world made for extroverts … much less someone in their early 80s.

A Slower Pace

A neighbor invited me to participate in activities with him. He’s an extrovert and didn’t know what to make of my introversion. He said, “I have to do the talking because you are so quiet.”

In good introvert-fashion, I thought deeply before responding.

Over lunch, I said, “I’ve been thinking about what you said and I realize that we have different paces. I often have something more to say, but you have already jumped ahead and what I had to say gets lost. I have a slower pace.” He seemed to give that some consideration, but not much has changed.

Another time when he commented on my quietness, I reminded him that I don’t have the usual things to talk about that people getting to know each other do in social situations … their children and grandchildren, family gatherings, travel stories, etc.  I have a limited repertoire. And so, I listen to other’s stories. He has a lot of them.

Quiet didn’t resolve this issue, but it did help me understand more deeply my experience. It was a relief to find that I’m “normal” … for an introvert.

Cultural Conditioning

Our culture made a virtue of living only as extroverts. We discouraged the inner journey, the quest for a center. So we lost our center and have to find it again.

~Anais Nin

As my interest in history grew these past several years, I learned more about how cultural shifts impact every one of us in every area of our lives. And mostly we aren’t even aware. We just go along for the ride, allowing ourselves and our values to be influenced by external forces.

In Quiet I learned how the way we view ourselves and what is important to us changed around the turn of the 20^th century. Our cultural values transitioned from a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality.  

• Culture of Character = focused on how we behaved in private … serious, disciplined, and honorable with attributes anyone could work on improving (citizenship, duty, reputation, morals, manners, integrity)

• Culture of Personality = focused on how others perceive us … a bold, entertaining performer skilled in making a compelling presentation with qualities trickier to acquire (magnetic, fascinating, stunning, attractive, glowing, dominant, forceful, energetic)

As a result of this Character-to-Personality shift, American’s became obsessed with movie stars. Even the church devolved into a personality-driven institution focused on drawing in crowds. And Jesus became a super-star sales guy. The USA became one of the most extroverted of nations.

We introverts lost our center, too. Self-esteem, anxiety, and depression proliferated. These culturally-driven issues became characterized as individual failings. Introverts were encouraged to shape up through mental health treatment.

This information helped me understand my post-pandemic struggle with depression, an increase widely reported for many people during and after the pandemic. My blues aren’t constant and when they hit me, they throw me for a loop. Being off center, I sometimes inappropriately express anger and angst. Because being centered is a high value for me, it is hard not to personalize this culturally-driven effect as an individual failing on my part. It seems wiser to just stay quiet.

I learned that I might feel more “at home” in Finland, one of the most introverted of nations. 😊

Challenges I Relate To:

• We are over-aroused and can’t think straight in high-stimulation environments.
• Our insides get jangled when there’s a lot of noise and/or fast-paced conversation.
• It takes a while to formulate our thoughts.
• It takes a lot of energy to exert ourselves in social situations. It feels as though we have to prove ourselves.
• We prefer listening and thinking about what to say before talking.
• We express ourselves better in writing than in speaking.
• We have a “horror of small talk.” 😊 Deep discussions establishing trust must occur before small talk can be enjoyed. Leads to social awkwardness.
• We prefer to work slowly and deliberately, one task at a time.
• We have difficulty taking stock of our own talents … especially because the environment around us ignores, subverts, doubts, and devalues our strengths

Strengths I Wish Were Appreciated More:

• Tuning into the inner journey where treasures are found … which then helps make sense of the outer journey … balancing reflection & action
• Skill in deep listening & interpersonal skills
• Being reflective and loving knowledge for its own sake
• Digesting information thoroughly
• Alertness and sensitivity to nuance, complexity, and emotionality
• Ability to learn from our mistakes
• Able to delay gratification
• Being persistent
• Observing & thinking before taking action
• Ability to stay on task longer & work more accurately
• Always in a state of wonder, asking “what if”
• Imaginative
• Solitude accepted as a catalyst for innovation
• Even while quiet, being firm in the pursuit of truth

As I write, my peace with being quiet increases. I continue to be challenged to find ways that work for me to connect meaningfully, in-person, with more “kindred spirits who prefer quiet over hubbub, depth over superficiality, and sensitivity over cool.” Any suggestions will be much appreciated.

With the persistence I’ve displayed in previous life-challenges, maybe I’ll find a way through.

Stay tuned!

Please don’t leave me hanging out here alone.

How do you relate to “Quiet?”