They (my family of origin) regarded my serious nature as ‘weird.’ … I didn’t fit into this jolly but contentious tribe. … I wanted more than anything to be part of a happy family able to show their love for each other. ~Linda A. Marshall in A Long Awakening to Grace, Page 25
I was thrilled to have a daughter and looked forward to the opportunity to develop a loving relationship with her. I wanted to be different from the critical, disapproving mother who had raised me. ~Linda A. Marshall in A Long Awakening to Grace, Page 5
As often happens, this pattern from my family of origin infiltrated into the family I helped create. My children came to mock my love of reading, my interest in digging deep into consequential topics, and my serious nature. In their resistance, they wrote me off as “weird.”
I longed for a friendship like some of my friends had with their adult daughters but couldn’t find a way. ~Linda A, Marshall in A Long Awakening to Grace, Page 211
In 2016, when Nicole’s disease had progressed to the point she could no longer work and live independently, she moved in with me. We had lived together before and it had not gone well. It was at its worst before we had a diagnosis. And, to her credit, as an adult, she didn’t want to live with her mother. This time it was necessary. We both set out to change our attitude and behavior to make it work.
I instituted regular expressions of affection and stretched myself to enjoy some television programs with her that I would not have watched otherwise. It’s her major way to connect. I’m not as picky as I used to be and she’s not as messy as she once was. I accept the “social avoidant” aspect of her disease as something I can’t change. When I extend invitations, she almost always said, “No.” I accept and rarely comment. When friends visit and she stays in her room, which she usually does, I don’t pressure her to come out.
Then at Thanksgiving, something began to change. Two of my friends came to celebrate the holiday with us. After dinner, Nicole did not retire to her room. One of those friends joined us on Christmas day. Nicole spent the day with us. On New Years Eve, those same two friends joined us to ring in the new year. We watched a lengthy documentary about a time in our history that would not have interested Nicole. She stayed with us well into the wee hours of the morning. She even joined in our conversation about those long ago events.
After the first of the year, I began organizing a group of women to go see On The Basis of Sex about Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s life. Because most restaurants don’t have space to reserve for group discussion, we came up with a plan to do a potluck at my home. Nicole overheard me on the phone with my friends figuring out the logistics … it takes a village.
One day, Nicole approached me and said, “Mom, can I go to that movie with you?” I was surprised and ecstatic!!
Not only did she go to the movie with us, she joined in the conversation over dinner. I think that she has discovered that her mother has a pretty neat group of friends. And I think she doesn’t consider me “weird” anymore.
I’ve waited a long time for this!
What about you?
How did your family of origin relate to you? How did it work for you?
What changes have you had to make for a relationship to work?
What have you waited a long time to experience?
Linda, I am so glad that things turned around for you and your daughter! That is wonderful! Hope that you both are doing well! Take care, Paula Schmidt
Thank you so much, Paula,
I’m thrilled. We are noticing the progression of her disease. She doesn’t have as much energy these days. In fact, she missed her nap the day of the movie. She slept almost the whole next day. But all in all, we are doing well.
You are a dear to comment.
The learning on this life journey never ends and relationship always takes work. It is so rewarding when we learn, when relationship endures and mutual respect and care increases. I always learn for you…
Oh Diana,
We learn from each other. We both know how hard it is to be a mother and how heart wrenching it is when our relationship isn’t as close as we want it to be. We are in this together, sister. Thank you for your abiding friendship. We see each other through. Much love to you.
Linda, I love your brutally honest voice in this article about you and your daufhter’s relationship. You don’t “condemn,” excuse, or justify either one of your natures. You merely accept one another for the unique people you are; it shines through in your words.
Wow, Joellen,
As one of my writer friends, your comments about my “brutally honest voice” means a lot to me. As one of my friends who is also a mother, your recognizing that I “merely accept” also means a lot. I worked hard to learn “acceptance.” As someone who prefers neat & tidy, orderly & organized … well it took me a long time to learn to let go and let be. I’m reaping the benefits now. Thank you so much for your comments.
Linda, It’s been such a while since we’ve talked. I’m thrilled to read this post of your and Nicole’s healed relationship. We have, in many ways, walked a parallel journey. I, too, longed for a close adult family relationship with my children. My eldest daughter and I have worked through and achieved that, thankfully. My son and my youngest daughter continue to have distance that I understand, and hope that before I leave here for my next life, that we can achieve a journey beyond the present.
So, so very happy for you and Nicole!
Love, Mary Jo
Thank you, Mary Jo,
Seems we both know the pain of distant relationships with our children. Thankfully you and your eldest daughter have reconnected. Wonderful that you are so understanding about the distance with your son and youngest daughter. I share with you the hope that those relationships can be healed as well before you make your transition. Thank you for your happiness for Nicole and me. It certainly has been a long journey to get here. Love and hugs to you, my friend.