I have reached the age where many of my contemporaries and I speak of decline, death, legacy, and our responsibility as elders. In this post, I speak as an elder … as one who has gained some wisdom from the challenges life has thrown my way.
I am led to this because I have carried a heaviness in my heart after reading an interchange between two older women and a younger man on Facebook. Facebook is such an impersonal way of expressing oneself, rife with pitfalls of misunderstanding. It rarely leads to meaningful connection. The same might possibly be said of email messages and blog posts.
Despite the risk of being ignored, misunderstood, mocked, or castigated, I feel compelled as an elder to respond. Because I think contemplating rather than impulsively responding is wiser, I have been pondering what wisdom I have to offer for two weeks. After a weekend of being exposed to elders much wiser than I, the words began to emerge.
The Interchange
This younger man posted in a Facebook group pictures of the “Impeach Trump Now” rally held in downtown Dayton. I didn’t attend and neither did the two older women commenting, but these women took offense at the vulgarity on some of the posters. I agreed with their sentiments.
One of the women admitted to sharing those vulgar thoughts and images and she pointed out that going into the gutter with those who model that behavior is, in her view, “not a way to build a movement.” She was glad she wasn’t there and would not be attending or encouraging others to attend such future rallies.
I know this woman. She has had her share of hard knocks and continues to live with difficult circumstances as a result. She’s had plenty of experience in her life to learn wisdom. About a year ago or so, she made some major changes in her life. She has a heart for those who experience discrimination and found some significant ways to learn from them and lend support. Despite physical limitations, she exhausted herself helping tornado victims last summer. She has a prophetic voice and recently stretched herself to deliver a message much needed in our time. These are just some of the ways she exercises her wisdom. I admire her.
The young man’s “I’m sorry you feel this way” (emphasis mine) was quickly followed by advocacy for the demonstrators right to “freedom of speech.”
I was alarmed to see her question herself. “I may well be wrong,” she said.
The other woman asked, “Why use vulgarity?” It “… will do nothing to persuade anyone who doesn’t already agree with you. And will just offend anyone with religious values on either side.”
I also know this other woman. She spearheaded the effort to collect signatures on petitions to change the partisan gerrymandering practice in Ohio. Her tireless work paid off. Voters overwhelmingly (75-25%) approved the creation of a non-partisan commission and four-step process that encourages both parties to work together. I admire her.
The young man mocked her and returned to his “freedom of speech” argument. He then used the “f” word” to describe those who find the vulgarity displayed at the rally offensive.
Both women made it clear that the issue for them is not “freedom of speech.” This young man missed the deeper issues central to these women’s objections.
Do We Pay A Price For Rendering Elders Invisible?
My elder contemporaries and I bemoan our invisibility … younger people don’t seem interested in hearing the wisdom we have garnered in our years of trying to make sense of life. So, in some ways, this young man’s missing the wisdom these two women imparted is fairly typical.
I don’t think ignoring or denigrating the wisdom of elders bodes well for our culture. I think the reason we have so many challenges is that the voices of elders through the ages, especially indigenous elders, have not been heard and heeded.
Offering My Elder Wisdom
I get it that anger is a potent energy. When I feel powerless, I’m tempted to lash out. It gives me a short-lived, false sense of power. I don’t think I am alone. Exercising restraint in publically expressing the vulgar thoughts and angry images that arise within us is demonstrating wisdom. We need not doubt that.
The violence we experience in our culture, like that in the Oregon District, is often at the hands of those who are unable to show this restraint. Hurt people hurt people. We all carry within us the potential to hurt others … with words or worse. Examining our violent tendencies and dealing with them in a healthy way is a mark of maturity and a sign of wisdom.
Responding defensively with the rightness of our argument, like this young man defended his right to freedom of speech, only contributes to the polarization we are experiencing in our country … probably the very thing he hates in those he rails against. Listening for understanding and common ground … responding with respect fosters connection. It is vitally important that we recognize the desires we have in common and avoid contributing to division among each other. It is a major way we will move forward as a country.
Just as these two wise women were doing, I would encourage this young man and all of us to consider the big picture. I believe this young man means well but that isn’t enough. We all need to do our inner work – to keep our destructive urges in check so we aren’t guilty of making the problem worse.
Freedom comes with responsibility. I visited this young man’s Facebook page. It is obvious he is very concerned about and probably angry about the irresponsible behavior of politicians … especially our current President’s. I’m angry about that, too.
He obviously wants to be part of the solution. My experience tells me that we are wise when we behave conscientiously versus following careless footsteps. Just because we have freedom of speech, does not mean it is responsible and wise to say any ole thing that arises from an unexamined place within us.
Nothing Weak about Kindness
Because this young man posted on his Facebook page what President Obama said at Elijah Cummings funeral, I invite him to listen again to those wise words … words we need to hear because many of our leaders are loudly sending just the opposite message.
… being a strong man includes being kind … there is nothing weak about kindness and compassion. There is nothing weak about looking out for others. There is nothing weak about being honorable. You are not a sucker to have integrity and to treat others with respect. ~Barack Obama eulogizing Elijah Cummings
I think this is what Michelle Obama meant when she said, “When they go low, we go high.”
Some wisdom for all of us to consider as we express our passions and engage in whatever way calls to us to help our country live up to its ideals.
It’s such a conundrum when elder’s are rendered invisible and younger ones don’t listen or learn. This young man certainly turned people off who are for the most part aligned with his values. He seems angry, which I also relate to, and he’s fighting the fight the way he knows how. He could use some lessons in persuasion as it relates to activism. I am curious what his sign said. I’m not offended by the “F” word. I rather like it and might have responded to his sign in a different way than you and your FB friends did. Perceptions, the eye of the beholder, different strokes for different folks – it’s tricky territory. One thing I am appreciating is that a young person is activated to fight for what he believes in which is hopefully for a better Nation, etc. This young man might not demonstrate maturity but then there’s AOC – she’s amazing. I’m appreciating Barack Obama’s quote that was on this young guy’s FB and how you are connecting the dots. May the elder transmission be heard…
Hi Jen … the difference in our ages is showing … had to ponder for a bit how to respond. I, too, experience anger … and to maintain respect for myself, I need to act it out in a way that represents my values. As a former relationship therapist/coach who has spent the better part of 67 years pondering how to improve relationships … acting impulsively out of anger just doesn’t do it for me. I think as we express our anger with the situation we face in our nation, we need to find respectful methods versus polarizing ones … and using the “f-word” does result in polarization among some … probably among those of us who definitely qualify as elders. I, too, am happy that this young man is concerned about what is happening and is willing to demonstrate for something better. I just think he needs to find a better way to do it. And fyi … “f-it” doesn’t bother me so much when it is used discriminately … but I really dislike “f-u.” Again…the relationship therapist/coach in me who had to work hard to know how to channel my own anger and how to express it out of love. Not easy. Thanks you for your thoughtful reply.
What came to my mind as I read this was this quote by Martin Luther King: ” Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” I believe this to be true. Anger, vulgarity, ignoring what the other person is saying and just repeating your opinion is only going to prolong and worsen the conflict, not resolve it. And I would argue that the people most able to do that are people of maturity and wisdom – our elders. Hopefully by the time someone is an elder, they’ve gone through the cycle of thinking they know everything, to realizing they actually know very little, to, after some hard work, being comfortable tht they do know a thing or two after all. And they’ve learned how to not only how to talk to people respectfully, but how to really listen. Temperance. That is a virtue of the elders.
MLK, Jr. was such a wise man, wasn’t he. Thank you for comparing what I said to someone of his stature and greatness. I love the way you show the process of gaining maturity and wisdom. I remember the days when I thought I knew so much and then discovered that I actually knew very little. And today, when I hear wise folks speak and I find myself nodding enthusiastically, “Yes!” … I’m amazed at being in such good company. Isn’t life interesting?!? Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Linda, thank you for this expression of concern for and interest in how we approach our differences, especially among those who share similar concerns.
Roselin, you are most welcome. Thank you for your interest in what I have to say. 🙂
Thank you, Linda, for your “elder wise” reminder that stooping to the level of the behavior and/or language of a person whose behavior and/or language you dislike only makes the situation worse and brings you right into the muck. I think the quotes by Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, and Martin Luther King Jr. (mentioned by Cindy) all speak well to this issue. I’d like to add a quote by Mahatma Gandhi that I think is also fitting: “Be the change you want to see”. I don’t know what aspects of Trump’s character this young man dislikes, but angry, vulgar outbursts are certainly a part of the way Trump presents himself.
Love that quote by Mahatma Gandhi … one of Martin Luther King’s inspirations. Because some of my own shadow stuff has been triggered lately, I know how hard we have to work to keep negative feelings in check so that we don’t act out and make things worse. It is hard work and perhaps this young man will eventually learn that … after a few more years of experience with how life works. Personally, I would rather emulate people who I admire and who share my values than emulate the worst characteristics of those I disagree with. That’s what I hear in your message. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Hi Jen … the difference in our ages is showing … had to ponder for a bit how to respond. I, too, experience anger … and to maintain respect for myself, I need to act it out in a way that represents my values. As a former relationship therapist/coach who has spent the better part of 67 years pondering how to improve relationships … acting impulsively out of anger just doesn’t do it for me. I think as we express our anger with the situation we face in our nation, we need to find respectful methods versus polarizing ones … and using the “f-word” does result in polarization among some … probably among those of us who definitely qualify as elders. I, too, and happy that this young man is concerned about what is happening and is willing to demonstrate for something better. I just think he needs to find a better way to do it. And fyi … “f-it” doesn’t bother me so much when it is used discriminately … but I really dislike “f-u.” Again…the relationship therapist/coach in me who had to work hard to know how to channel my own anger and how to express it out of love. Not easy. Thanks you for your thoughtful reply.
Hi Linda,
I so appreciate it that you are making contributions by speaking out in real time, as you did when you saw these Facebook posts.
I hope the young man re-read Obama’s plea for kindness.
I remember my own angry impetuousness as a young person and you are so right that it has a good impulse, but as you said, over the years one realizes that it is ineffective in making meaningful change or persuading people to think differently.
I so relate to what you are saying, Ani … young and impetuous just doesn’t do it for the long run. Thank you for your validation.