In my last post, I wrote about the “gift of connection” I received from my cousin, Mike. This post will make more sense if you have read that one … and/or this one written some time ago.
Mike’s Curiosity about My Feminism
Mike and I spoke again on Sunday, April 19. I had been helping him learn how to use Zoom between our April 5 and April 19 calls. In the course of those conversations, he expressed interest in learning how I became a “women’s libber.”
“That conversation is too long for today. It will have to wait until Sunday.”
When we connected on Sunday, I asked where he wanted to begin. He was still curious about what I prefer to call my journey to becoming a “feminist.”
I shared with Mike about my awakening. During my first class in Seminary after viewing the documentary by Julia Reichert and Jim Klein, “Growing Up Female,” a hushed silence fell across the room for a long moment after the lights came back on. Then, a man in the class said, “Wow! The messages you get that you aren’t okay the way you are.”
With my classmate’s words, the lights in my soul turned on. There was a reason why I felt inadequate as a woman and mother … a reason beyond having endured years of my mother’s criticism … a reason beyond my marriage not faring well and my children’s confounding challenges.
I explained to Mike what being a feminist means to me … a meaning not shared by all women who call themselves feminists. For me, being a feminist does not mean trying to outdo men. It means being relational rather than competitive. It embraces values like:
- connecting
- empowering everyone
- reverence for all living beings
- collaborating to meet the needs of all
- balancing freedom with responsibility
- finding strength through openness and vulnerability
- seeking to understand as well as be understood
I very much appreciated Mike’s seeking to understand me in this call as I sought to understand him in our first call. Sounds like mutuality to me … another of the values I embrace.
Mike’s Curiosity About My Conversion
Then Mike wanted me to describe my conversion experience. Mine was a much more gradual process than his powerful experience. In contrast to him, the church had been an important part of my life since I was six or seven years old … because of the people I found there who extended love to me. They valued me in a way my family did not.
I told him that the closest I had come to his conversion encounter was a mystical experience during the time of my granddaughter’s birth recounted on pages 250-251 of my memoir, A Long Awakening to Grace. He was surprised it had taken so long.
When I shared what led up to that moment, he said softly and sweetly, “Linda, I love you.”
I replied, “Ever since I was 10 years old, I’ve longed to be part of a happy, loving family. You’re telling me that is the closest I’ve ever come.”
For the first time in my 77 years, I received love after being authentically myself with a member of my family. It brought tears to my eyes.
The Power of Authenticity
At that point, Mike shared with me about a time when he expected to receive judgment … the way he had been bullied by teachers and classmates for something he found difficult. He tried to get past his difficulty and when he couldn’t, he was honest with those looking to him for leadership. Once he was honest, he was able to proceed … and when his difficulty arose … they helped him instead of judging him.
We marveled at how amazing it is when we are honest about our limitations, we are often met with compassion instead of the judgment we expect.
In AWE
In my January 21 post, I wrote about my process of discovering how childhood trauma was affecting me, how I seemed to be emerging as a healer of generations of family trauma on my mother’s side, and my awe at all the synchronicities that led to this awareness.
COVID 19 put a stop to the steps I planned to take to engage my healing process.
And then Mike stepped forward, wanting to talk with me about beliefs. I doubt he is yet aware that The Divine had something else planned for us. I doubt he can fathom the extent of his importance to my process of healing.
I have always known that Mike has a good heart. But he is on my father’s side of the family, so I never imagined him being a healer for the trauma on my mother’s side. I am just beginning to be aware of how much of a healer he is being for us. I am full of gratitude.
And once more, I am in AWE … my word for 2020. I never could have imagined this happening … like this … in the midst of a pandemic.
Thank you, Linda, for continuing to post about your conversations with Mike. My sister and I are reading It Didn’t Start With Me and plan to share our thoughts and insights as we go along. I hope our conversations can have the same generosity of spirit that you and Mike are enjoying.
Thank you, Roselin,
I look forward to hearing how your conversations with your sister go. I, too, hope they open doors of closeness between the two of you. What a wonderful gift that is when we are graced with it.
Love you,
Linda
Linda, Thanks for sharing. I admire you and your openness. I also grew up with a critical mother and father and do not feel my parents loved me unconditionally. Then I learned that what other people think of me is none of my business. That helps some.
I always look forward to reading your posts. I love you.
Susan Beall
Susan, thank you for appreciating my openness. After I post, sometimes a cringe a little at being so vulnerable. But I believe we find strength in vulnerability and I need to walk my talk. So I will probably continue to post away. I’m so sorry about your experience growing up with critical parents. I know how much that hurts.
I was struck by your mentioning that what other people of think of you is none of your business. That very thought entered my life when I learned inadvertently about another cousin who has difficulty with me. It was validating of my experience … picking up disapproving vibes. I don’t know for sure why she has problems with me. I have suspicions. While I would welcome an open, honest conversation to clear the air, I doubt that would be desired on her part. So, I find it necessary to mind my own business. I’m just so grateful for the many friends who like me the way I am and tolerate my rough edges.
It helps to know there are people out there who enjoy reading my posts. Gives me incentive to continue. Thank you, too, for your love. I love you, too, and have warm memories of our much closer association many years ago.
Love you,
Linda
How wonderful that Mike is able to help you with healing trauma. Inter-generational trauma has many tendrils for both the living and the dead. Your experience is quite helpful for those seeking that type of healing.
FYI – my definition of feminism has always been very simple. Women deserve the same rights and privileges that men have. I’ve been called a feminazi many times because I dared to provide sexual harassment training which encouraged people to each other with respect. Radical stuff in the 90s!! Anyways, I suppose I have trauma to heal from those days.
Yes, Jen, it is wonderful to discover Mike as a healing agent in my life. A quite unexpected and appreciated source. I suppose our definitions of feminism depend upon our experiences. I concur with your definition and like how simple it is to communicate. I’ll bet you do have some trauma to heal from the important work you did in the 90s … only now coming to fruition in the wake of the Me Too movement.
My longer definition comes from my experience training with Anne Wilson Schaef in Living in Process and being introduced to the values of our dominant culture and learning about the more “feminine” values that, if embraced, would make our world a more gentle and caring place. I am hopeful that as we recognize the importance of those on the front lines and other essential workers … so different than the ones we usually think of as the most important people in our culture … we will learn valuable lessons along those lines.
Thank you, as always, for responding to my blog. It means a lot.
Love,
Linda
As I told you recently, I’m very excited for you that you are having these wonderful conversations with Mike. It seems like such an important part of both your and his growth processes. Until I read this blog, I had not thought about the irony (actually, the divine intervention) of Mike’s stepping up to resume talks just as COVID19 was shutting down your other planned actions to deal with generational healing. It is always amazing to me how God works in our lives in ways we least expect. As I read this blog, I also thought more about your first seminary class experience. Although I’ve heard you share this story several times, I had an even deeper appreciation for how big an “aha” moment that was for you. I was reminded of an “aha” moment I had in college that brought understanding to me about my growing up years. Those moments are game-changers! and also further evidence of God’s way of speaking to us in everyday life when we are open to hearing.
I very much agree with everything you have said, Carol. I enjoyed hearing about your “aha” experience last evening. Yes, they are certainly game changers and worth keeping our ears tuned for.
Thanks Linda.
Susan