Our Sage Sister group of four feisty women frequently bemoans the changes we experience in the healthcare system. At our ages, we are more frequent consumers. We bristle at the repetitive answering machine messages we are forced to endure when we prefer soothing human voices, time limits placed on our appointments, less personal contact as medical records are updated into computers during appointments, little time to listen and understand our life circumstances much less offer compassion, more cookie-cutter solutions.
All of this only adds to the toll the pandemic has taken on us. From blood pressure and stomach acid rising to spewing toxic energy.
We don’t like it. We try to adjust. Sometimes it’s easier than others.
Checking In
I asked to begin our Sage Sister check-in.
I had gone to a very dark place following my third face-to-face with my new (as of April 2020) primary care provider (PCP) the day before. With the toxic energy I exuded, she couldn’t help but notice my discontent with her. She suggested we might not be a good match and I might want to consider finding another provider. She is the second PCP I have tried in the past 3-4 years.
It was tempting
- to place the blame on her and the system
- to the extreme stress of dealing with my daughter’s breast cancer diagnosis,
- in addition to scheduling COVID vaccinations for both of us,
- eye appointments for Nicole,
- hand therapy appointments for me,
- rescheduling tax preparation appointments three times
- to point to the numerous positive encounters with medical professionals I’ve experienced in recent weeks … in other words, “It’s not me who is the problem!”
But that is not who I am and does not excuse the toxic energy that directed my behavior … that is not what the spiritual path I follow teaches. I spent the morning before our Sage Sister meeting
- examining my part in this contentious relationship
- revisiting words of wisdom from my teacher, Cynthia Bourgeault, and
- centering myself with recommended prayer practices.
Grief Emerged
Twice during my reflections, tears welled up.
- I realized I am still grieving the loss of the integrative medicine doctor I saw before he retired some 4 or so years ago. It wasn’t that he was warm and fuzzy and spent lots of time with me, but there was a softness about him. And I appreciated his alternative approach to my issues … he was definitely not a cookie-cutter type of doctor. I felt like a human being, not a number. I have an health concern now that I would love to consult with him about.
- Fourteen years after retiring, I still carry sadness and hurt at the way my ministry as a family therapist for those caught in the pain of addiction was decimated when healthcare transitioned from patient-centered care to profit-centered so-called care.
My Process in Action
In early September 2020, three local spiritual seekers and I began taking Wisdom School courses from Cynthia Bourgeault. In late September, Terry Patton interviewed Cynthia on his podcast, titling their conversation, “Spiritual Mettle and the Good Company of the Holy.” The quote below from their conversation spoke powerfully to me.
The beautiful challenge of being a human being is to take spiritual energy, which is subtle and more powerful than physical energy, and distribute it in difficult situations as love, blessing, peace, and guidance in order to stabilize the whole. ~Cynthia Bourgeault
Already aware that serenity and equanimity are growth challenges for me, I resolved to strengthen my practice maintaining these qualities in life’s difficult situations. I felt good about the progress I was making.
Without being fully aware, however, I carried unresolved grief, hurt, and anger toward the healthcare system and it was affecting my attitude and behavior.
We know very directly that when we operate out of what you might call ‘hell realms’ … when we flail that around the planet, we hurt … we take stupid actions that hurt other human beings, other sentient beings, the biosphere … we hurt because the energy emerging out of us from that engagement in the inner (hell) realms is toxic to the planet, like pouring carbolic acid on it directly. …virtually all the spiritual traditions urge us to stay as clear, light, unattached inside as possible … to not let ourselves be taken by cravings, anger, revenge … not to repress them so you don’t even know you have them … just don’t follow where they are pulling you. ~Cynthia Bourgeault
Confession
I shared my process of discovery with my Sage Sisters and confessed to my attitudes and behavior uncovered during my morning quiet time of spiritual reflection. I admitted that I now see that I entered the relationship with my new PCP with my defenses up … my toxic energy only increasing … until this appointment when I “poured carbolic acid on it directly” through a snarky MyChart message. Ouch.
Where Do I Go From Here?
I will eventually apologize to my PCP and own my part in the debacle. And as I stepped back and looked at my experience minus all the emotion and toxic energy, I realized she is right … we are not a good fit for each other. From experience, I’ve learned that following paths that are not a good fit for me don’t lead to “distributing spiritual energy in difficult situations as love, blessing, peace, and guidance.” It doesn’t lead to “stabilizing the whole.”
I admit to being a bit of a misfit. In this instance, I prefer integrative to straight Western medicine. And so this outcome is not surprising.
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you … Jeremiah 1:5a
Being faithful to my “formation” … my natural proclivities is not always easy, especially when they don’t fit the norm.
My Sage Sisters had several good suggestions for avenues to explore. Other friends added helpful input. I find it always helps to listen to more voices than mine alone … especially when I’m caught in unresolved feelings.
And thus, I continue my process of accepting my humanness in all its iterations and my process of accepting life on life’s terms … especially when I find those terms repugnant!
I’m grateful for merciful friends and for the merciful still small voice of wisdom within that continues to guide me, even when I unconsciously diverge from the path.
Dear Linda,
I feel such tenderness towards you as I read your blog. I so much appreciate your willingness to let us see your full humanness, plus your willingness to take responsibility and to receive support from others.
With your new clarity, I trust you will find a doc who is a good fit.
Love to you,
Ani
Thank you, Ani,
Seems to me this is what the spiritual journey is about. Doing my best. Checking out a couple of alternative practitioners in the next couple of weeks. Look forward to talking with you next week.
Love to you, too,
Linda
Hello my friend! What an absolutely beautiful rendering of your journey to awareness of the basis of your “suffering” as the Buddhists would name it. What we think about what the world gives us does indeed determine how we feel about it. No what we think is frequently formed by unconscious feelings we haven’t brought to the surface. Offering the solution to your doctor quest to Love will no doubt lead you to the right person. As we heard Cynthia say today, when we are open the Universe sends us all kinds of help.
So grateful you are in my life.
Penny
Friends have been rallying round with suggestions. The one that sounded best to me isn’t taking new patients and doesn’t even have a waiting list. I’m not giving up, however. 🙂
Grateful for our re-connection!
Linda, I appreciate your gift of deep sharing. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It has been a very rough year. I have heard and read “The Universe-God/Goddess goes to great expense to teach us something.” For you to recognize unresolved grief that goes back at least 15 years (and you may find, much further) is quite a revelation. Grieving can be so messy for ourselves and those around us, yet it is profoundly necessary for us to do this as we move on. As we move on. While we move on. The crucible of Nicole’s and your medical situations alchemized it out of you. I join those that love and appreciate you to circle around you and lift you up out of any despair that things will not change. They are changing even now. Thank you for opening your heart to me. Your heart is safe with me.
As you know, being hard on myself is an old pattern. It doesn’t last as long as it used to, however. Thankfully, this one only lasted about 1 1/2 days.
Yes, it has been a hard year for all of us and I could have done without Nicole’s cancer scare. However, it was caught early and thankfully, we had a great oncology surgeon attending to us. She actually called us 3 times to give us pathology results. What doctor does that?!? She won my heart.
I agree, the grieving is much older. Seems we need to get quite acquainted with grief as we go through life. And it is true, I’ve experienced more losses in this life than many. It does sneak up on me sometimes. I must admit, I do find it hard not to despair that our situation won’t change … at least not in time to help us. I’m grateful President Biden understands the difficulties associated with caregiving, but I don’t hold out much hope that things will change significantly in my lifetime.
I’m so grateful for you and my community of friends who rally round and offer support. I wouldn’t make it without you. Thank you for being one of the ones who I can be myself around … even my less than attractive self that shows her face sometimes. I so appreciate friends who make it safe for me to share my heart. Thank you for being one of them.
You teach me how to do self reflection again and again…
I am honored to be able to teach you something … I learn so much from you. As you often say, “It takes a village.” So glad you are in mine.
Cynthia Bourgeault is a favorite of mine, along with Richard Rohr. Your entire post is so well thought out that I felt like I was taking this journey of self-revelation with you. Wishing you more peace and ease as we go through this “reopening” time.
So exciting to know that Cynthia Bourgeault and Richard Rohr are favorites of yours. We must be kindred spirits. Taking classes from Cynthia has gotten me through the pandemic. Her book, Wisdom Way of Knowing, was a significant influence almost ten years ago and it has been wonderful to be stretched by her during this most difficult year. Thank you for your wishes. I hope so, too.
Linda after reading your sharing, I gave thanks you have the Sage Sisters during your journey through the frustrating medical maze.
Thank you, Pat,
I am fortunate to have several communities of care that help me in this journey of life. Hope all is well with you.
I just re-read this blog post for the second time. As always, your openness, honesty, and willingness to be vulnerable stood out so clearly. What especially stood out for me in this post were also your words about “my process of accepting my humanness and all its iterations and my process of accepting life on life’s terms”. I think that sums up well the path we all need to follow in order to live a loving, fully-conscious, and spiritual life. I struggle with these two processes as well. I’m glad we all have each other for support along the way.
Brene Brown has been an inspiration around the wisdom of vulnerability. Seems it is a quality I am called to cultivate in this life. Hard sometimes and, and in the end, I’ve never been hurt by it. It seems that life goes so much easier when we accept … even that that we don’t like. It took a lot of hard knocks for me to learn that lesson. Thank you for being a part of my community of care. It means so much.