An uneasiness within prevented me from posting the blog piece I wrote on New Year’s Day. I didn’t know it then, but an internal process was unfolding and all the pieces had not yet fallen together. The “new life” referred to in my November 23 post, that I suspected would be more internal than external, was emerging.
Plodding On
I hated being asked how I was doing. My attempts to explain just didn’t “feel” quite right.
I continued to puzzle about what was going on with me. Certainly I must be experiencing grief … with four significant deaths in two months … with the loss of numerous fulfilling activities and physical contact with friends. But something about that didn’t fit.
I wondered if I was depressed and contemplated taking an antidepressant, but again, that just didn’t “feel” quite right. Despite my discomfort with pandemic isolation, I withdrew. I was confused. I didn’t want to talk about it.
GRACE ~ ~ My Word for 2022
I didn’t choose it … it came to me as a gift. I pulled all the books off my shelves containing the word “grace.” During my New Year’s Eve quiet time, I opened Greg Johanson and Ron Kurtz’s book, Grace Unfolding: Psychotherapy in the Spirit of the Tao-te ching.
Using a body-centered approach called hakomi, these therapists encourage “looking within and paying close attention to our experience … learning from it … staying with our level of being without words until the experience itself gives rise to the words … until a ‘felt sense’ of rightness” emerges.
They give an example of a client who came in feeling sad. As she turned her awareness inward toward her sense of sadness, studied how it registered in her body, noticed if her bodily experience said “yes” to the word “sad” as a precise description of her state, the word “grieving” emerged as the word that fit her experience.
I decided to try it. Could I find something that felt right for me?
Almost immediately, “sorrow” emerged. I glanced at my bookshelf and my eyes landed on three books on sorrow, one of which I read during the pandemic (The Wild Edge of Sorrow) and one of which I have posted about numerous times before.
Chronic Sorrow ~ ~ A Natural Reaction to an Ongoing Loss
the “normal and recurring intense feelings of grief” experienced by parents of disabled children and anyone experiencing a “living loss” appears periodically when something triggers it.
chronicsorrow.org
The end of the lockdown triggered it for me. During the lockdown, my friends and I were all in the same boat. When it ended, they got out of the boat and I was still stuck in it.
It appeared that life was returning to normal … for them … my life would never be normal. And when the lockdown ended, my life seemed more limited than ever.
Those lightning bolts to my body signaled the onset. I see now that I have been living consistently with something that is usually periodic … since March 2021.
The Emotional Toll
While reviewing the website describing “chronic sorrow,” parallels stood out:
- The pandemic brought “living” losses to most of us
- A crisis or event magnifies the loss and disparity
- Symptoms similar to depression occur, including profound sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion
- When anger is exhibited suddenly and uncharacteristically, others may withdraw and view the behavior as inappropriate
- An adversarial relationship may result
The grief in chronic sorrow is not the same as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages which is why it can be so confusing.
For me, the felt-sense of rightness in the naming of “chronic sorrow” brought immediate relief. In Grace Unfolding, Johanson and Kurtz call this “a self-authenticating experience of discovering an aspect of our truth.” It enables going even further into who we are.
The process continues to unfold.
Thanks for sharing this very vulnerable insight into what you are going through. I get how healing it is to be able to name your experience of chronic sorrow. I can relate to the relief one feels when you can finally put a name on something. It seems easier to deal with something when you can identify what it is you are dealing with, even though that alone doesn’t take the pain away.
I’m so glad you are putting your experiences into writing again. Your insight into your own journey is a gift to others’ journeys as well.
Thank you, Carol, for your generous comments. It’s the not knowing that is the hardest to deal with. You are so right ,.. once you know what you are dealing with, a weight lifts even though the situation is not changed.
I am grateful, too, to be writing again. For so long, I just couldn’t. I was in such inner turmoil, I had nothing of value to share. I couldn’t even respond to the comments left on my last post. It is such a relief to be past that.
As you are aware, I do write with this kind of vulnerability because I hope it will be of value for others on their own journey of discovery. Thank you for acknowledging that.
We do plod on, always toward more Beauty, Truth and Goodness. Your plodding inspirers my plodding….
So nice to have a sister plodder … and what an amazing destination … Beauty, Truth, and Goodness!
Thank you for sharing this challenging time. I was particularly struck with how you are in touch with your body to access what is happening (the moving center know before our intellectual does…). The digging you are doing to understand is difficult but seems to be paying off. Your vulnerability and insights are extraordinary. I hold you in my heart.
Thank you for your comment, Pam,
I, too, was amazed at how quickly my body knew … once I asked the question. The work we’ve done on the Moving Center didn’t get me there, but this Hakomi exercise was instant. What a gift!
You are so right, the digging I’m doing is paying off. In quick succession, more pieces of the puzzle unfolded. You will be hearing more in this space.
My strength seems to be my vulnerability. Sound familiar? “…for when I am weak, then I am strong.” II Corinthians 12:10b. I’m also a big fan of Brene Brown whose life experience has taught her this truth.
Thank you for holding me in your heart. It means a lot.
You surely penetrated the fog in your process-and your gift for putting your experiences (internal and external) helped me realize some similar experiences that I wasn’t able to name or give reflection to in order to understand it. When one is given a gift (which is like having a hot piece of coal that could start a fire-which is a treasure when you need a fire) , and current energies try to snuff it out, one must guard it carefully through those trying conditions until the conditions ease up enough to move forward. I see you are moving forward now. Trust that. Your sharing makes a difference in such a positive way.
Oh Teresa, it feels so good to be seen and understood. I love your metaphor of a hot piece of coal. You are right, I am moving forward. It has been one of the more difficult conditions I have experienced and not easy to work through. That has been true for many of us during the pandemic. I hope you are right that my sharing makes a positive difference. That is why I share it. I will have more to say about that in my next post, which I am getting ready to upload now.