A Challenge to Surrender

Much is being said about the effect of the pandemic on us humans. We are social beings. Isolation and wariness of each other takes a toll. I thought I was prepared to handle it and did pretty well during the lockdown. But in March, when the lockdown ended, I crashed. The fulfilling life I knew pre-pandemic crumbled. Much to my surprise, I did not let go graciously or gracefully.

The Anatomy of My Self-deception

Two spiritual leaders who have influenced me profoundly had a conversation. Terry Patten interviewed Cynthia Bourgeault on his podcast, “State of Emergence.” Titled “Spiritual Mettle and the Good Company of the Holy,” Cynthia relayed a story about visiting the ruins of a Trappist monastery in the UK the night of the 2016 election. Oliver Cromwell’s army obliterated this abbey and the monks who lived there in a political massacre. As she bowed before what was left of the altar, her heart welled with wisdom imparted by these monks.

It was as though they were speaking to her. “Shit happens and you must know that … beauty and stability is wiped out in a careless moment. You must know that and you must find something in yourself that can take it.” (This story begins 27 minutes into the conversation)

Cynthia noted that the work of faithful people doesn’t disappear. A receptive consciousness picks it up. Receiving this message helped her walk through 2016-2020 with a steady rather than a wavering course.

In this interview, two months before the 2020 election, Terry and Cynthia emphasized the importance of the message relayed by these monks. None of us knew if our 200+ year experiment in democracy would survive or come to an abrupt authoritarian end.

I deluded myself into thinking I was prepared … that given the “shit happens” of my life chronicled in my memoir, A Long Awakening to Grace … that given the strengths developed while handling years of agony from an unknown source … that given the profound visitation of love and the bestowing of grace in those circumstances, I thought I could handle whatever came in November 2020 and beyond.

Five months later my crash began with what felt like a bolt of lightning to my body. More bolts shocked me at fairly regular intervals with feelings of loneliness, grief, anger, resentment, despair …. It was hard for others to be around me. I found it difficult to live in my own skin. I spared you, my blog readers. I could not write. I had nothing of value to share. I slogged through my days, putting one foot in front of the other, taking care of business, going through the motions.

A Turning Point

And then on Sunday morning, November 21, during my prayer time of journaling, a reconnection with Spirit emerged. I experienced The Divine communicating with me again as words flowed forth from my pen. It had been such a long time I wondered if I was imagining it.

And then I read Richard Rohr’s meditation for the day … titled “Inner Authority.”

If God wants to speak to us, God usually speaks in words that first feel like our own thoughts. How else could God come to us? We have to be taught how to honor and allow that, how to give it authority, and to recognize that sometimes our thoughts are God’s thoughts. … We all must find an inner authority that we can trust that is bigger than our own. This way, we know it’s not only us thinking these thoughts. When we are able to trust God directly, it balances out the almost exclusive reliance on external authority.

~Richard Rohr

I just love it when synchronicities like that happens!! I needed that message at just that time … and it came.

An Enlightening Connection

Later in the day, my cousin, Mike, and I had a conversation. I opened up, going into more detail about what I’d been going through and the experience I’d had that morning. I began counting on my fingers the months of my angst … admonishing myself for how long it took to begin to move beyond it … “March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November … 9 months!” I spewed out.

He said, “A woman’s time.”

I didn’t know what he meant. “A woman’s time?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “the time you carry a child.”

The light bulbs flashed with new awareness. “New birth!” I exclaimed. “I’m experiencing a new birth.”

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, s/he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

~II Corinthians 5:17

I pray for my new creation.

Gestation

During those long nine months, I immersed myself in several online classes with Cynthia … taking a deep dive into Christianity’s Wisdom Tradition. I dipped my toe into offerings through her Wisdom community. Spiritual practices are encouraged … the central ones being Centering Prayer and a Welcoming Practice.

Longing for inner equanimity, I began practicing Centering Prayer daily. My life gave me many opportunities to practice Welcoming … designed to give us the ability to abide well in whatever is happening. Despite not fully understanding that it is the bodily sensations (bolts of lightning) that I am to welcome, not the emotion (loneliness, grief, anger, etc.), I found the practice of “accepting what is” beginning to make a difference.  

Gradually I came to accept that my old life is gone. “Okay. I guess I need to build a new life.” It seems daunting at 79. I had no idea where to begin. But the message I received was, “You need to move outside your comfort zone.”

The first opportunity that presented itself was an online class focusing on racial reckoning called “Stepping Up: Wrestling with America’s Past, Reimaging Its Future, Healing Together.” I found myself drawn to the leaders as they verbalized values I hold dear. Among the others contemplating taking the class were corporate leaders and executive coaches. Hob knobbing with these folks seemed out of my league. I almost passed.

And then I remembered, “You need to move outside your comfort zone.” And lo and behold, in addition to all of value I’m gaining from being introduced to new perspectives, I have received appreciation for my contribution.

I’m being led to pay more attention to my “inner authority,” and allowing myself to be guided to the uncomfortable places it leads me. I suspect my “new life” will be more internal than anything external. While I still grieve the loss of the fulfilling externals I had, I’m grateful for the curiosity that is replacing the angst. I welcome it as the beginning of a return to internal equanimity … that something within that can handle it when “shit happens.”

PS: On April 1, 2001, Terry Patten’s 70th birthday and seven months after his conversation with Cynthia, Terry was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Seven months later, on October 30, he passed away peacefully. His gift during his last days to those who loved and admired him was a four-part series titled, “Brightening Every Darkness” where he openly and vulnerably shared his experience and wisdom about his dying process. You can learn more about it here and here.

Terry faced the loss of the life he loved with equanimity and a rare acceptance. He didn’t want to waste a moment in resistance to “what is.” What a great model for all of us of being able to handle it when “shit happens.” I hope I have it in me to follow his guidance.