My professional journey has been more fulfilling than my personal journey. I never felt competent as a wife and mother. That’s probably why my 12-Step and Imago Relationship Therapy trainings were so rewarding. Finally, I had a chance to learn healthy relationship skills. And I had a lot to learn. To me, being part of a loving family was my dream … behaving in a loving manner was the whole point of my spiritual journey.
My children gave me many opportunities to learn effective ways to use those new skills under the most challenging of circumstances. I never felt I quite lived up to the task.
As a result, mothering didn’t satisfy me the way working with clients did. In fact, I’ve often commented on how my sessions with families and couples felt sacred. I could sense a shift in the energy between them … I witnessed the healing process. I knew I was on holy ground. When the sessions went well, I felt The Divine working through me. I felt as though I was being faithful to my calling.
The only time I felt that with my children was during the period surrounding August 2-3, 1999, when my granddaughter was born and died. Before her birth, I did everything I could to address the dire circumstances. Then I surrendered and grew curious about the outcome.
Surrender and curiosity were the keys to being able to see the miracle that unfolded … the key to being able to witness the powerful love of the Divine being extended to us … to behave in a loving manner during our sorrow and our joy. Those were my finest moments. But that was almost 23 years ago. What about all those moments in between?
Mother’s Day Surprise
I was surprised by the greeting I received upon arriving at church on Mother’s Day. Kathy, a member and friend, had been praying for Nicole and me during our Medicaid Waiver approval process and search for assisted living. She read my last blog post. She hugged me and said, “You deserve to be celebrated this Mother’s Day. I’m so proud of you.”
I walked down the hall only to be greeted by Mary, another member and friend. She said, “You deserve the ‘Mother of the Year Award.’”
If you’ve been following my writing, you know that holidays are typically times that trigger chronic sorrow … the sadness that plagues parents of disabled children. Friends are less available on holidays. It tends to be an isolating time imagining all the happy families celebrating together. My daughter doesn’t even acknowledge Mother’s Day and takes no interest in celebrating any holiday other than planning the menu I will prepare.
Even though I know the picture show playing out in my head is not the way it is for many families, I am usually down on holidays. I’m happy to say, this year has been different. I think with all the isolation experienced during the pandemic, I’ve finally become more accepting of “the way things are.”
Still, I couldn’t help notice the irony of being acknowledged as a mother who deserves to be celebrated … this role that women have such ambivalent feelings about. It engenders the most profound love ever experienced as well as the most profound angst. Motherhood, for all the pretty words, really isn’t valued in our culture.
A Panoramic View
As I reflect upon my almost 80 years of life, mothering has been the dominant theme. I didn’t write A Long Awakening to Grace about my professional life. That’s true even though my story reflects “the quintessential story of the American woman born in the 1940s, growing up in the 1950s, and dealing with stifling gender roles imposed on American women of that era.” (April Wilson reviewer)
Mothering has been the greatest ongoing challenge of my life. And I am now in the process of navigating the last big hurtle my almost 51-year-old daughter and I will face. I am about to put to rest my biggest fear … “What will happen to Nicole when I am gone?”
Once again, the process works better when I surrender and grow curious.
Final Steps
I overhead her exercise physiologist ask Nicole if she’d found a place to live and how she liked it.
Nicole responded, “I love it.”
Music to my ears. She went on to note the things she doesn’t like about it, but I do believe she’s looking forward to the move. It could happen sometime this summer.
We have consulted the recommended attorney and he suggested an easy step to get Nicole from assisted living to skilled nursing when the time comes that she will need it. We still have some footwork to do, but thankfully, things are falling into place.
Embracing Reality
It seems to me Christianity has put major emphasis on us loving God. Yet the mystics consistently describe an overwhelming experience of how God loves us! … I want to love back the way I have been loved. But it’s not like I’ve got to prove my love for God by doing things. My job is simply to complete the circuit!
~Richard Rohr
So, even though I’m not a warm, fuzzy-type of mother and mothering hasn’t been the most rewarding part of my life, I am ready to embrace the fact that I’ve done a damn good job meeting challenges no mother should have to face. As my spiritual director friend, Kathryn, says, “You’ve been faithful.”
Years ago, another friend, Nora, noted how extraordinary it was that I continued to have a relationship with my son. Even though his violating behavior had hurt deeply, I continued to set boundaries and do my best to treat him with respect … the soundest way I knew to extend love.
Even though my daughter is unable to reciprocate … even though I went through a pandemic sorrow-filled, angry dark night of the soul (March-December 2021), I used those relationship skills to extend love to Nicole. During the time she’s been living with me (June 2016 – present), I have been faithful. I did my best to complete the circuit.
I do deserve to receive a “Mother of the Year” Award!
I chuckle as I write these words. I can’t help but notice the irony of it all.
Oh so very well said. As long as i have known you, you have always been able to look at the challenging situations square on. There’s no sugar coating things…and I absolutely agree you have more than earned Mother of the Year! Good job, Linda!
Your comment “no sugar coating” reminded me of a time in seminary. We were assigned to core groups for two years and we were to support each other and evaluate our progress at the end of each quarter. After our first evaluation, we were asked to reflect on the process. I said, “It seems to me we were awfully sticky sweet with each other.” Before every evaluation thereafter, all eyes would turn to me as someone in the group reminded us, “Remember, we’re not supposed to be sticky sweet with each other.” I guess I don’t really trust feedback and relationships that don’t include the challenges as well as the triumphs. I suspect, Teresa, you have some of that in you, as well.
I believe resilience is a form of love you certainly exemplify over and over again. Your concern for what happens to Nicole after you are gone is an example of your GREAT mothering skills…I don’t have to worry about that! Your day in and day out care for Nicole’s many needs are an example of your GREAT mothering skills….I don’t have to worry about that. It is unselfish love given no matter what the cost, just another example of your GREAT mothering skills. Your journey has been so difficult and your love has been so GREAT!!!
You have observed me up close, Diana, and so your words mean a lot to me. You are the most non-judgmental and accepting person I’ve ever met. And you couple that with perspectives that bring out my best.
I appreciate all the ways you have reached out to help lighten my load. You have done that physically … two old broads schlepping Nicole’s furniture out of her storage unit onto your trailer, tightening the straps, and taking them to their next home … accompanying me to potential facilities and noticing things I miss, giving me your honest feedback … being a part of setting me on this path of taking next steps with Nicole in the first place. And you have done that while expanding my thinking in a way that makes bringing my heart to the process more substantial. Thank you so very much, my friend.
Happy Mother’s Day…every day…my faithful friend.
Thank you, Jen, for being a huge part of starting me down this most recent path with Nicole. I hung onto your vision of Nicole thriving in a setting like this … doing better than she does living with me. I doubted that at first and now I see it coming into fruition.
You are an awesome Warrior Mother!! In spite of setbacks, discouragement, and disappointment, you soldiered on. You might have been down, but you were never out! You are my inspiration!! ♥
Wow! I love being called a Warrior Mother. I certainly have fought hard against indomitable forces to find resources for my children. I think every mother of special needs children deserve this distinction.
And having you, a dazzling Dayton dame, who fostered numerous babies until homes could be found for them, call me your inspiration … well, Ruth … that means a whole lot! I know you are dealing with a challenging situation in your own life … and you inspire me, too, in the way you are taking care of yourself while you handle it. You are an excellent role model.
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Your memoir well exemplifies the tenacity with which you have sought answers to your children’s problems through the years, even before you knew what their problems were — un-turning every
stone and exploring every possibility while being honest and open about the challenge every step of the way. The mothering of faithful tenacity is one of the ways you most shine as a mother. And I agree, you have a right to be proud of that!
Tenacity … what a great word. Determined and persistent … that would be an apt description of my mothering. And, I dare say, that of most mother’s of special needs children. It brings out qualities we might otherwise not have developed. Thanks for the acknowledgment.
Oh Linda, I loved reading your post. It brought tears to my eyes.
You are an amazing person, and a good mother. You deserve the mother of the year award. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Ginny O … talk about an amazing person! I am in awe of the way you are handling the health challenges in your life. Your self-care actions and positive attitude are so admirable. Thank you for being touched by my sharing.
It takes a village and WE are OUR village!!!! Together we INFORM and TOGETHER we are that COLLECTIVE INTELLIGENCE that does the INFORMING😊😊🧐 None of us can do this alone!!!!