Coming Home

Recently I have been culling my bookshelves … reading some and passing them on … keeping the ones that become treasured friends.

The words on the jacket of one originally published in 1992 and thoroughly rewritten in 1998 caught my eye.

            …balancing ecological doom with spiritual renaissance. ~Ken Wilber

            …luminous, beautiful, and wise. ~Hazel Henderson

            …the transformation of our immense power into a new planetary wisdom. ~Brian Swimme

Peter Russell, a physicist who meditates, wrote Waking Up in Time: Finding Inner Peace in Times of Accelerating Change. Writing about science and consciousness, he aims is to explore possibilities and raise questions. I think this book’s a keeper.

Much of what I’ve read about “unexpected and accelerated changes coming our way” is now a reality … raging fires, catastrophic floods where there have never been floods, violent storms, earthquakes, escalating temperatures, drought and dropping water tables, and global plagues … like the one we have been experiencing for over two years. The ending of the section, “Crisis—Sounding the Alarm” forced me to pause and reflect. He explores how we can cope.

…we need first to be flexible … to let go of outdated assumptions and habits of thinking that no longer serve us. We need to find the inner freedom to see things with fresh eyes and respond more creatively. And, second, we need greater inner stability. We need to be stably anchored in the ground of our own being, so that when we meet the unexpected, we can remain cool, calm, and collected, not thrown into fear and panic. If we can learn this, then we will be in a position to respond to the completely unexpected with greater wisdom and maturity.  

~Peter Russell

A COVID-19 Meltdown

My coping strategies during our COVID plague left much to be desired.  I weathered the year-long shutdown and social isolation well with the help of Zoom. Afterall, we were all in the same boat. And when the shutdown ended in March 2021, my friends jumped out of the boat. They resumed their pre-COVID lives. I wasn’t prepared for the increasing isolation that befell me. My pre-COVID life could not be revived. I didn’t handle it with wisdom and maturity. 

Remembrance

This month is the 23^rd anniversary of the miracle of grace that emerged with the birth and death of my granddaughter, Alexandra. Many turbulent and unexpected events preceded August 2 & 3, 1999. At the time, I had faithfully worked a 12-step program of recovery for at least fourteen years. That program strengthened and matured the practices I had already developed through years of following my inner leading. My spiritual program gave me the ability to remain calm and to respond with a wisdom and maturity I didn’t know I possessed. It was my finest hour.

A Reflective Pause

And in the morning, a great while before day, he rose and went out to a lonely place, and there he prayed.

~Mark 1:35

During the past year and several months, I pondered my meltdown. Pondering is for me going to that lonely place inside myself and praying … praying for guidance and enlightenment.

When I heard similar accounts of the effects of the pandemic on others, I felt relief at not being alone. A TV interview with a singer/songwriter unfamiliar to me, was particularly poignant. I could relate to every symptom she experienced. I was not crazy.

Slowly, I began to realize that I had strayed from the spiritual path that gave me the stability to weather all the events surrounding my granddaughter’s birth and death.

During the pandemic, I took a deep dive into exploring a new path … one based on the Christian contemplative wisdom tradition. I love its emphasis on extravagant Divine love. I admire its leader. I resonated deeply with one of her books over ten years ago and it remains one of my treasured friends. I liked and admired the people I met in this community. I tried to “fit in.”

When I didn’t, I reverted to old survival patterns … “there must be something wrong with me that I continue to experience inner turmoil.” I held onto the memory of those turbulent days in 1999, knowing I had stability, wisdom, and maturity within me. I pondered why it eluded me post-lockdown???

An Awakening

And then recently I heard myself say, “This tradition is very different than what I am used to. While I admire a lot about it, I don’t feel at-home with its practices.”

I came to see that working hard to adopt these new “outer” practices during a time of chaos and strife did not result in the “inner” stability I sought. Perhaps that would have been different had I been able to attend an in-person retreat. But doing it on Zoom led to my abandoning mySELF.  

From childhood to early adulthood, some church leaders saw me with leadership potential. They named and valued my gifts and guided my path to college and seminary and ordination … none of which I saw as possibilities for me. They supported the healing path to which I was eventually called to serve.

I still need that support and validation from others, especially during difficult times. I thought I needed it in a “church” setting … something that resembled the “outer home” I was accustomed to. I was looking to that larger, more organized wisdom community to fill the gaping hole revealed by the pandemic

Instead, I found it within a small circle of three other spiritual friends … a group unattached to any particular faith community. I didn’t fully appreciate its importance to me … that this group filled that gaping hole.

We came together through a common interest in integral philosophy. We each follow very different spiritual paths. And we respect and benefit from each of them.

Each of us experiences unique life circumstances and challenges. We recognize the importance of inner stability and support each other in establishing it within ourselves. We share deeply, admitting to when we aren’t doing well. We give each other support to actualize our intention to grow to our highest potential. We draw on sources of higher consciousness to guide us. We celebrate the myriad ways support shows up, standing in awe at the generous care received from “The Beyond.” 

Coming Home to MySELF

This group’s importance to me came through powerfully in a recent in-person gathering.

The discussion in our small circle that day reflected on the “lostness” a mutual friend experienced after the death of his wife … and how common this is following any kind of loss.

I admitted that I’ve felt lost since my daughter moved out.

The week before we met, I spent a lot of time listening to people recounting how a particular celebrity had influenced their life … the celebrity then reflecting on how their life unfolded and led them to be such an inspiration to others.

As I listened, I asked myself a lot of questions, searching for meaning? Now that my daughter is flourishing in her new home and my caregiving role is greatly diminished, I wondered, “Who am I now? What is my purpose? What am I passionate about? What gifts do I have to offer? Where are my gifts needed?

Now that I’m 80, is life only about the countdown to a final homecoming? I’m fairly healthy. There must be something more I’m being called to with the time I have left. What is it? 

I floundered. I realize now that I’d been wandering in the wilderness for the past 16 months.

I shared with my friends about my week of searching and admitted that no clear answers presented themselves.

The group’s focus turned to the way they’ve witnessed my growth and a new direction they see as a natural, given the gifts they see me possessing.

I couldn’t see it. I felt so lost, I couldn’t even fathom why they like me … why these extraordinary women include me in their circle.

Immediately they jumped up, surrounded me, and infused me with loving energy. They called back my spirit … reminding me of the path out of lostness. ASK FOR HELP … TRUST … BE OPEN TO THE MIRACLE!

After arriving back home following our meeting, I returned to those questions of the week prior. I asked for HELP in finding the answers.

• Who am I?
• What is the best version of me?
• What is my purpose now?
• What do I have that would make a difference to others?
• How do I find my voice?
• What of value do I have to say?
• What am I passionate about?

Answers began to emerge. I had a visceral experience of coming home to mySELF … the “home” that matters most.

From that I learned:

• Respecting the paths of others doesn’t mean those paths are right for me!
• Trust that the uniqueness of my path is just right for me!
• Be open to receiving support in unconventional places!
• The Divine loves diversity!

Sounds like wisdom to me!