Moving On Up

For the past several months, Caroline Myss’ spiritual teachings have enriched me. She begins almost all her seminars with a metaphor for spiritual development. It came to her after visiting a friend who lived in a tall building in New York City.

As she stepped from her cab on a hot, humid day, taxis honking, loud noises, putrid smells, people rushing in all directions, gray concrete accosted her senses. She noted her pain and discomfort from this limited first-floor view.

The expansive view from her friend’s upper-floor balcony differed dramatically. Refreshing breezes soothed her senses in this quiet and relaxing atmosphere. When the sun set, the city sparkled.

The address (circumstances) had not changed. But from this higher altitude (perspective), the world looked gorgeous.

And that is Caroline Myss’s metaphor for evolving spiritually … something we are all called to do … move up higher to see more … a more expansive level of awareness … to gain a broader maybe even a sparkling perspective.

Diving Deep

For me, it’s necessary to dive deep before I’m able to move up. The following process demonstrates my commitment to grow beyond my lower-level attitude: “You’re so hard on yourself.” At age 80, it’s time. As 2023 approached, I felt ready to dive deep into this nemesis plaguing me for so long. I needed a higher perspective. I adopted the following attitude:

I will not shrink my responsibility to look deeply at myself. I come in a spirit of curiosity about what will open.

~Unknown Wisdom Teacher

I didn’t expect to find much, if any, higher-level sparkling. I braced myself for just how much I reside at those lower levels. I knew my pandemic grief and despair came from the basement.

Steps in the Process

I assigned colors to different levels.

• Purple (spiritual wisdom) for the Penthouse
• Green (growth toward wisdom) for the Upper Levels
• Yellow (frailties/vulnerabilities) for Lower Levels
• Gray (lacking in wisdom) for the Ground Floor
• Brown (damaging thinking) for the Basement

Then I set out to color code my 12-month journal.

Categories emerged:

• Wisdom to Guide Me
• Notations on Grace
• Messages from the Divine
• Spiritual Resources
• Service to Others
• Gifts/Treasures Coming My Way
• Becoming: My Personal Ponderings

I created folders for each category, copying and pasting from Grace Notes.

It was the “Becoming” folder I most wanted to scrutinize. I began color coding my personal entries.

The State of My self/SELF Emerges

The Voice within speaks to us from the unconscious, and whether or not we hear it consciously, it is an all-pervading influence in our lives.

~Helen Luke

• Predominant = yellow (frailties/vulnerabilities) … Not surprised by lots of yellow
• Substantial = green (growth toward wisdom) … Surprised by this much green
• Moderate = purple (spiritual wisdom) … Pleased my teachers are getting through
• Smidgeon = gray (lacking in wisdom) … Relieved at the small amount
• Smidgeon = brown (damaging thinking) … Relieved again

Categorizing My Lower-Level Frailties

I read everything in yellow and sorted my frailties and vulnerabilities … my tender spots. They fell into six categories.

• Fear of being unloved & unlovable = the root of them all
• Low Self-worth = root of “You’re so hard on yourself.”
• Perfectionism = An Enneagram One’s way of trying to make up for deficiencies
• Making choices that are not a “good fit” in an attempt to “fit”
• Sorrow and Grief … Chronic Sorrow being my constant companion
• Disappointment and Fear … viewing my challenging life as a failure, blaming myself, resenting/envying others, fearing the future

A Surprising Connection

The scant gray and brown color codes resided wholly in two areas. I had not previously seen the connection between Sorrow & Grief and Disappointment & Fear. Though when I thought about it, it made sense. These vulnerabilities are with me constantly and they are most acute during November and December … the time when I feel most alone … when the air waves are filled with depictions of “happy family gatherings” … when my life seems empty.

The pandemic gave me an intense experience of aloneness. It took its toll on many of us to the point a national conversation on mental health commenced. We are, after all, social creatures. In me, aloneness accentuated “You’re so hard on yourself.”

Blessings Emerge

As my color coding revealed, growth in wisdom, a gift of unimaginable value, was almost as evident as my frailties. This blessing emerged during those long months of aloneness. My external circumstances of aloneness gifted me with an empty space for vast amounts of silent self-reflection.

I came to see my friend’s confrontations, “You’re so hard on yourself” as a blessing. The wisdom I had gained propelled me to take this deep dive into my inner life … to see with clarity the source of my self-destructive, lower-level perspectives.

My busy, pre-pandemic life would not have afforded me the time and energy. I would have missed the Divine urging to rise to a higher altitude representing a healthier perspective.

As we neared 2023, I actually came to value and enjoy my own company.

The hours I spent filling the emptiness of my holidays with this project of acquiring self-knowledge enlivened me far more than any typical New Year’s Eve celebration. SELF-knowledge emerged … that “something indestructible at the center of each of us,” arose and empowered me … leaving my higher SELF sparkling with excitement and awe. Watching the Time’s Square ball drop just couldn’t compare!  

While my circumstances have not changed, my consciousness/perspective has. And at this higher altitude, life has a fulfilling direction and purpose again. Instead of dreading the future, I now look forward to the growth opportunities that will emerge in 2023.

The antidote to this emptiness is to turn our focus within, to begin the spiritual search for the Self. To empower our souls, we need to acquire self-knowledge and Self-knowledge. … As each human being progresses in this holy work, we enhance the healthy development of the entire human race.

~Jean Benedict Raffa, author of Dream Theaters of the Soul: Empowering the Feminine through Jungian Dream Work