Blessed

I’ve never felt a pain that didn’t bear a blessing.

~Gene Knudson Hoffman

Pandemic Grief

I found myself among many who experienced disturbing depressive symptoms of pandemic grief. The loss of contact with people with whom I’d met regularly in the many groups to which I belonged coupled with the chronic sorrow I carry as a result of being the mother of disabled children and having no close family just about pushed me over the edge.

The past almost three years has not been easy for many of us. For me, often times I wondered if continuing to live was worth it. My only purpose seemed to be as an advocate for my daughter. That keeps me alive physically but it isn’t enough to lift my spirit. At times, it drags me down further. My spiritual practice became vital as I trudged forward. I couldn’t imagine a blessing emerging out of this.

Indestructible

A mainstay of my spiritual practice is reading and writing contemplatively. With cramping in my hands making my handwriting almost illegible at times, I decided in 2022 to keep an online journal. I called it “Grace Notes,” my word for the year being Grace.

I mostly read wisdom literature, took classes online with spiritual teachers with a bent toward mysticism, participated in regular Zoom calls with spiritual friends, and on cherished occasions, met with them in person.

I brought all my thoughts and experiences to Grace Notes … the good, the bad, and the ugly. I included quotes that spoke to me along with my ponderings about LIFE and my life. The quotes above and below are from Mark Nepo’s Book of Awakening … the October 2 reading.

…there has always been a gift waiting once the ache and fear and grief have settled. … there is something indestructible at the center of each of us; though the pain of being transformed and rearranged while still alive often feels unbearable.

~Mark Nepo

I think hope that something indestructible was at my center … that a blessing would emerge took root in me sometime in late September or early October. My ongoing (beginning August 8) fight with Spectrum and figuring out Ohio’s new Medicaid System forced me to pull on whatever Wonder Woman energy I could muster.

Confronted

During the second week of October, my friend from Pittsburgh, Sharon, came to visit. Sharon and I met in 1975 in Seminary. Along with Kathryn from Iowa, we bonded and our friendship grew into a sisterhood that has lasted the test of time. The three of us still talk via zoom once a month.

During her visit, Sharon said to me at least twice if not more, “You’re so hard on yourself.”

Later that month and into November, my friend, Marvel, said the same thing to me several times. We were spending more time together before her late-November move to Arizona  

I met Marvel sometime in the mid-to-late 80s. We bonded as we supported each other with dealing with our challenging children. We’ve each been through a lot together.

I took note of Sharon and Marvel’s remarks. I thought I’d made progress with this life-long nemesis. But these friends have known me for a long time and they know me well. I wondered what I was missing … what they were seeing that eluded me. I recognized that I had some inner work to do.

An Opening

In November a Solstice post came through my Facebook feed. It was accompanied by this beautiful piece of art.

… winter is kind, she points us in her quiet soft way towards our inner self, towards this annual time of peace and reflection, embracing the darkness and forgiving, accepting and lovingly embracing the past year. … and then, just around the corner the new year will begin again, and like a seed planted deep in the earth, we will all rise with renewed energy once again to dance in the sunlight. Life is a gift.

~ Bridget Anna McNeil

I responded: This is how I plan to spend NYEve … going through my 2022 Grace Notes Journal and looking to how I want to be in 2023.

It pleases me that I wrote, “how I want to be” vs “what I want to do.” 😊 It is probably a reflection of my stage of life.

I hoped that my energy-draining saga with my cable company, my bank accounts, and my daughter’s Medicaid/Medicare providers would be at an end. I anticipated spending my time diving deeper into my inner journey of discernment about my way of being in the world.

As events unfolded, I actually spent NYEve quite differently. But in the days before and after, I spent hours on what became a quite extensive project. Gradually a blessing and that “something indestructible at the center of each of us” came into view.

And that will be the topic of my next blog! Wish me luck in understandably and succinctly describing my process.