On Being MySELF

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

So begins the book I recently found mentioned in a New York Times article. Written by Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., the title pulled me in immediately. Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength. It deals with a person’s control center … the place where we work things through. I downloaded “my new friend” on my Kindle App and devoured it in days. (Books are valued friends for introverts)

Introversion (not to be confused with shyness) is an inward orientation to life, and extroversion is an outward orientation. Introverts tend to gain energy by reflecting and expend energy when interacting. Extroverts have the opposite preference …

~from the Introduction

According to Carl Jung (and my friend, Diana), we all use and rely on both approaches. And people generally prefer to act in a way that comes most naturally … their strong biological preference. 

Introverts generally prefer a rich inner life to an expansive social life; we would rather talk intimately with a close friend than share stories with a group; and we prefer to develop our ideas internally rather than interactively … our strong suit is inside where we are comfortable, engaged, and content … we gain energy and power through inner reflection and get more excited by ideas then external activities … we listen well, think first, and talk later. Writing appeals to us because we can express ourselves without intrusion … we prefer incubating thoughts & impressions vs quickly acting upon them … we require inward focus and attention to process and integrate information.

~from Chapter 1

In other words, we keep our best stuff inside … until it is ready. That’s why I haven’t posted on my blog since September. I’ve been incubating. This seems to drive extroverts crazy.

My 2023 Accomplishment

I typically devote my increased alone time during November & December holidays to “inner work.” That’s when my “best stuff” emerges … like 2022’s systematic year-end, inner-work project. This year, I just noticed a couple of subtle changes. 

Those closest to me have often remarked, “You are so hard on yourself.” Some of them have continued to love me in spite of this common introvert tendency. Introverts tend to downplay our very personalities, seeing ourselves as a problem needing correction, often apologizing for being “anti-social & boring.”

The subtle changes I noticed:

• The value I place on my serious, introverted nature has increased! I’m more comfortable with my preference. It has only taken 81 years to get here. 😊
• The sorrow I usually carry during the holidays is lighter this year!

I think there may be a connection between those two. Hummm! Something to ponder!

Bad Press

Your nature is not the problem. The problem is that you have become alienated from your nature – from your power source.

~from Chapter 1

Laurie’s book delineates some of the reasons why we introverts are hard on ourselves … and why others are hard on us:

From Chapter 1: The Mistaken Identity

• A 1998 study found that introverts comprise 50.7% of the population, correcting the popular assumption that we are in the minority. That means that over half of the population is devalued because of the American culture’s bias for extroversion.  

• There is a long & stubborn association between introversion & mental illness in the psychological community. One update of the Manual of Disorders proposed a diagnosis of “introverted personality disorder.” The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) publicized by the World Health Organization (WHO) listed the introverted personality as a variant of schizoid personality disorder.

• Personality tests identify introversion as a deficit … the absence of extroversion (reserved, quiet, lethargic, passive, compliant, & unadventurous).  

• Our preference for intimate relationships vs partying often results in our being seen by extroverts as snobs … causing us to withdraw further to protect ourselves.

From Chapter 2: Alone is Not a Four-Letter Word & Chapter 3: Becoming an Alien

What if we referred to social interaction as withdrawal from solitude? … Solitude is indeed “the great omission in American life.”

~from Chapter 2 & 3

• American culture embraces the “Extrovert Assumption”
  • associating is good & necessary
  • cool people are never alone
  • having more friends = more fun/value
  • the more popular you are, the more power you have
  • being visible is more important than creating quality relationships
• The athletic, extroverted all-American is the accepted persona & is normal
  • Parties are fun
  • The more the merrier
  • Being popular is important
  • Networking is essential to success
  • It’s not good to be alone
• Solitude is suspect … a problem to be overcome or a luxury we can’t afford … too costly to risk

The potentially violent loner is, ironically, externally focused … on resentment of the group, seeing himself as a solo victim, entitled to revenge. … the very distortions that place the loner outside the group (paranoia & growing hatred) are ones we perpetuate in our society.

~from Chapter 2 & 3

• Introverts rarely see our values reflected. We are repeatedly encouraged to join or talk. We receive puzzled expressions and well-intended concern, and sometimes, all-out pointing and laughing.
• We risk becoming alienated
  • From society (social alienation) by staying true to our introverted selves
  • From ourselves (self-alienation) by adapting to our extroverted society
• Self-alienation is rampant among American introverts and can lead to depression (a loss of empathy for the self) or self-hatred.

80 Years in the Making

I look happy as a one-year-old. Who knew the challenges I would face!

Born to an extroverted, life-of-the-party mother with her own self-worth issues, I was an enigma to her. She thought it important to raise me to fit in. She worried about me because I didn’t. I wasn’t “popular.” What would become of me?

The only method she knew to shape me up was through criticism. It was better than what she’d experienced in her violent, alcoholic family.

As an introvert, I internalized her critical messages. Our culture agreed with her and reinforced the message that there was something wrong with me. Hence, I became hard on myself. My journey to accept and value myself has been a long one. Toward the end of 2023, I began to see that being hard on myself for who I am is an insult to my Divine Creator. Hearing me verbalize this, my friend, Diana, visibly rejoiced. 😊

Make or Break Moments

As my memoir, A Long Awakening to Grace, attests, painful experiences can make us or break us. I grew stronger as I dealt with the challenges my children presented.

As 2023 draws to a close, my inner reflections reveal that I once again have emerged stronger. I have emerged with increased acceptance of my introverted self … and beyond acceptance, I value my introverted self in a way I never have before.  

This 2023 journey to Emerson’s “greatest achievement” has been an interesting one.

• I stopped participating in extroverted venues that place little or no value on inner work. I accepted that I’m not a good fit and stopped trying to tolerate the loneliness I experienced.

• I’ve defended my introverted self vehemently with well-meaning friends who thought I needed to “lighten up” and/or perhaps see a mental health counselor. I railed against a system of oppression. I didn’t see clearly, until reading Laurie’s book, that the system I railed against has a strong extrovert bias.

• Recently I vehemently defended my introverted love of meaningful conversations with an extroverted friend who is more geared to lightness and fun. We found a compromise.

• In another venue with a lot of extroverted energy, I studied what this group of friends who gather around spiritual issues said was important to them. My study led me to leaders they admire who verbalized some introverted values. I invited the group to return to their roots, introducing them to a process that made room for these quieter values to live in our midst. They thanked me for it and modified their behavior.

My heart fills with gratitude for those friends who chose to hang in there with me as I fought for mySELF … the me I was created to be.

Reading Laurie’s book about all the strengths introverts possess … strengths I possess … is the perfect way to bring 2023 to a close. Being validated for who I am, what I value, and what I have to offer as a needed gift to the world gives me hope for 2024 and beyond.

How do you relate to my journey of becoming?

In what ways were you aware/not aware of introverts being labeled as mentally ill?

In what ways does “Introvert Power” change your view of introversion/extroversion?