Re-connecting

Mid-May I received notice that my blog site is up for renewal toward the end of June. I wondered if it was worth continuing. There are many reasons to quit.

• I have few subscribers
• Few people comment on what I write
• I suspect that some of my subscribers don’t even read what I write
• I hate marketing and don’t want to do what’s recommend to reach a wider audience

But the reason to quit that haunts me most is that I no longer embody the greatest compliments I receive about my writing … the aspect of my writing that serves a higher purpose … which for me is the point:

Your ongoing willingness and ability to be authentically you is a gift for all of us! You turn the hard parts of your life into poetry. 

I appreciate your gift of deep sharing. 

I so much appreciate your willingness to let us see your full humanness… 

 I respect your courage in being so open about your “down days” and your “shadow side.” The depth flows so easily from you and I see your soul … 

Disconnection, Isolation, & Loneliness

Vivek Murthy, our Surgeon General, cites social disconnection and isolation as “a public health concern” and loneliness as “the defining issue of our time.” This was his experience on a cross-country listening tour:

People began to tell me they felt isolated, invisible, and insignificant. Even when they couldn’t put their finger on the word “lonely,” time and time again, people of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds, from every corner of the country, would tell me, “I have to shoulder all of life’s burdens by myself,” or “if I disappear tomorrow, no one will even notice.”

Vivek Murthy https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf

On NPR’s All Things Considered, dealing with the subject “America’s Loneliness Epidemic,” they reported:  

And you can feel lonely even if you have a lot of people around you, because loneliness is about the quality of your connections.

https://www.npr.org/2023/05/02/1173418268/loneliness-connection-mental-health-dementia-surgeon-general

I am confronted with this topic continuously as I read newspapers, watch reports about it on TV news, listen to the subject addressed or referenced in podcasts. A recent segment on Christiane Amanpour’s program cited the behavior of college students who came of age during the pandemic. Because they were relegated to online education, they have forgotten how or maybe never learned how to connect socially. They are so used to being alone, they don’t come out of their dorm rooms.

Dr. Murthy has written a book about it: https://www.vivekmurthy.com/together-book

Summoning Authenticity

I’m more like those room-bound college students than I care to admit. I spend a lot of time isolated … at home alone … on my computer, iPad, and phone … filling my head with interesting ideas and keeping up with current events … all this devoid of social connection.

I have always and continue to value my alone time … my solitude.

And I’m feeling more and more disconnected, even when I’m supposedly connecting with friends … good friends … people who care about me … people of quality with values I admire … people who more than once have gone the extra mile for me when I needed them.

My friends are extraordinary. They have INTERESTING LIVES, EXTENDED FAMILIES, ACTIVITIES WITH CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN.

That absence in my life looms large … I have little to share. My only child is, thankfully doing well … not much to talk about there. I don’t have grandchildren or nieces & nephews to report on, no siblings, in-laws, or very few extended family members to relay stories about.

I listen … I’m interested. I just wish I could join in with stories of my own.

It seems so ironic, that for one who has devoted a large chunk of her life as a family and relationship therapist/coach helping others connect, feels so disconnected now.

It has been hard to admit to myself, much less to anyone else.

Humorous Attempt at Repair

My attempts at repair and re-connection have been mostly unsuccessful. Despite the protests of my closest friends, I blame that mostly on being a “conversationally-challenged, socially-inept introvert.”  

And so, when the library recommended, The Art of Mingling by author, Jeanne Martinet, I thought it might be worth my while to take a listen. Maybe, with better social skills, I could connect better with the friends I already have and add to my circle some folks more similar to myself … single with little to no family.

Jeanne emphasizes the importance of having fun … and small talk is part of the fun. She gave great strategies for entering and exiting groups skillfully. Her acronym MINGLE gave conversational clues. I rewound several times trying to sear these clues into my memory. All I can summon is that N stands for “nearby places” and G for “go.”

In Chapter 4 she gives strategies to make an escape when you find yourself trapped with a boring person.

It was at that point I realized I’m one of those boring, fun-challenged people who necessitate having a strategy to escape. 🙁 🙂

I declared myself a lost cause for Jeanne’s mingle-phobic cure … something it appears 90% of people suffer from. My mind goes blank when small talk is called for and, besides that, I find it interminably boring. I recoiled at some of what seemed to me manipulative and cruel mingling strategies. So much for that! I stopped at Chapter 4 and returned the book early.

The Best Party

One of my strategies for finding friends with similar interests is in my new volunteer position. At a recent staff meeting, the administrator opined about a recent picnic where the participants from various parts of the organization didn’t “mingle” to get to know each other. She said, “Next year we’ll play games.”

“Games” I grumbled under my breath. “That won’t do it for me.”

And then I remembered being told by many guests at the end of my retirement party in 2007, “This is the best party I’ve ever attended!”

This mingle-phobic, lost-cause woman knows how to throw a party … a party that is FUN without manipulation and cruelty. We “shy-introverted” folks like to have fun, too, when it’s made easy for us! It was one of my shining moments.

And my method might even work during these times of social disconnection, isolation, and loneliness.

I sought out the administrator after the meeting and told her how I did it … what I did to make my guests … guests from many areas of my life who didn’t know each other … comfortable with mingling.

• I made name tags … I decorated them with sparkles, but that isn’t necessary. These were attached to each guest as they arrived.
• I made a second set of name tags with the names of famous people. These were attached to the backs of each person at the same time.
•  
• Then they were asked to mingle … asking others how they knew me … asking questions to help them identify the famous person on their back. That broke the ice!
• In my invitation to the party, I asked all who were willing to bring something to the party to play “show and tell.” Each willing guest (and that was a majority of them) brought something to share that revealed a talent … a skill … an interest … or whatever they wanted. Along with the good food provided, “show & tell” was the entertainment for the evening.

Lots of laughs ensued along with good, hearty, loving, appreciative acts of camaraderie!

Now, that’s my idea of a party!!!

The administrator thanked me and said she would take my suggestions into consideration for next summer’s picnic.

Wonders never cease!

In what ways do you relate to this “epidemic of loneliness / social disconnection / isolation?”

P.S. In the midst of writing this post, my phone rang and one of those extra-mile friends asked if she could pay me a visit. A rare and welcome surprise. And our conversation proved to be deep and meaningful to both of us … a sacred gift of connection.