When I returned the audiobook, The Art of Mingling, to the library, another suggestion popped up. How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by journalist, political commentator & pundit, David Brooks.
Depth … that’s my cup of tea. I downloaded it and liked what I heard so much … I purchased a copy so I could highlight and revisit it’s words of wisdom.
Brooks describes his early personality as pleasant enough yet somewhat detached, aloof, inhibited, heady. He felt most alive when he was engaged in the solitary business of writing. He wasn’t easy to get to know and he didn’t find it easy to get to know others. He wanted to connect but just didn’t know how.
David is transparent in revealing his repressed way of living, social ineptitude, and connection-making shortcomings. He was also a “grower” who prodded himself into becoming a more fully developed human being through learning, practicing, and improving his social skills. He learned to ask about people’s life stories and listen attentively, walking with them through the concrete particulars vs their much rehearsed stories. Others took notice, including Oprah. His effort has obviously made a huge difference in his life and also in the lives of those he touches.
This book is a result of his research, what he learned through his practice, and its wider implications … our current social and relational crisis.
Our Current Crisis of Connection
We live in an environment in which political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social breakdown undermine connection, strain friendships, erase intimacy, and foster distrust. We’re living in the middle of some sort of vast emotional, relational, and spiritual crisis. It is as if people across society have lost the ability to see and understand one another, thus producing a culture that can be brutalizing and isolating.
~David Brooks
The Results:
- surging depression and suicide rates
- rise in persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness
- increasing percentages of Americans with no close friends or romantic partnerships
- drop in percentage of time spent with friends, especially following the pandemic
- increasing numbers of Americans putting themselves in the lowest happiness category
- a plethora of books tracing the catastrophic decline in social relationships across society
- the bitter, mean-spirited, distrustful, mind-warping ruinous effects
Quality
David believes that the quality of our lives and the health of our society depends, to a large degree, on how well we treat each other in the minute interactions of daily life. Experience taught him that being open-hearted is a pre-requisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being … and it’s not enough. We also need social skills. I agree.
These skills used to be taught in schools. However, things changed and several generations now lack education about the skills needed:
- to see, understand, and respect others in all their depth and dignity
- that cultivate the inclination to treat each other with kindness, generosity, and respect.
All these different social skills rest on one foundational skill: the ability to understand what another person is going through … the one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community, organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen – to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.
~David Brooks
Evaluating Skills
At the end of the book, David evaluates himself as a connector … the simple capacity to make another person feel seen and understood and thus treasured. He sees improvement, and admits that he’s a work in progress. Personality quirks and old habits still challenge him to connect as deeply as he desires.
I’m grateful to David for all the research he did and compiling it in this book. Saves me a lot of time. The personal stories, his and those of others, brings the subject alive.
His writing on this subject alerted me to some skills I could benefit from practicing. As a writer, I’m much more articulate when I write than when I speak. I’m a better listener than a responder, especially in free-flowing groups. And, I too, have personality quirks and old habits that challenge me.
- Because of my quiet, reserved personality, I’m a better listener than responder, especially in free-flowing groups. I’m often a quiet observer, but not skilled in drawing others out.
- Like David, I am slow to spot “crucial conversational moments” in real time.
- Often, it’s as though my brain works too slow. By the time I’ve formulated a way to ask about something that piques my curiosity, the conversation has moved on.
- Sometimes I’m preoccupied and fail at giving another my full attention.
- As a conflict avoider, I freeze when it erupts. It takes awhile for me to thaw and be ready to engage.
- Playful banter is a huge challenge for me. I have to feel really safe to engage.
- I suck at small talk.
- Sometimes, when confronted with someone else’s pain, I’m more of a “fixer” than a “caring presence.”
You have written about David Brooks in a way that encourages me to read his book. This particular blog is a lot of ‘in David’s words,” and I miss your unique way of describing things. I used to be like you and David, but becoming a nurse and being forced to ask, to listen, to correlate, to plan, to anticipate what another might need, and to record it accurately helped me shift out of the deep isolation I was in growing up in a very dysfunctional family. Learning that I was good at teaching all ages (first as the nurse that was willing to teach newborn care classes, sibling classes, etc. then becoming a perinatal educator) really shifted me. I learned to enjoy engaging. Now, I can go on and on and on because I have had the magnificent benefit of being taught by wonderful teachers (some that weighed in at less than 3 pounds in the NICU). What you have shared is worthy of a deep discussion. I hope we are able to do that sometime!
Sorry for not responding sooner to your comment. I was interested in what your profession as a nurse taught you as a communicator. In my professional life, I listened A LOT! I had to discern where a person was in their healing/recovery journey to be able to offer them the next steps. Fortunately, my role was more about listening so I could then offer a wiser response. Responding immediately wasn’t as necessary as it was in your profession. In fact, in mine, it would have been an impediment.
I still listen to discern at a deeper level and that is not a quick process for me. I am taking in a lot as I listen. Unfortunately, the conversation has often moved on by the time I come up with a response. In my profession, people were more prone to listen to my response when I made one. There was room for me … I knew more about the recovery process than they did. Ordinary conversations are not so accommodating.
Thank you for your interesting response and tying it to how you learned these skills in your profession. I am trying to be more comfortable with engaging. I am finding it to be a worthwhile endeavor.
Yea for another brilliant piece of work!!! You certainly have a way with words. Thanks for sharing.
You are definitely one of my cheerleaders! Thank you for that, Cindi!
Hi Linda, once again your final list of dot points describe me perfectly. It’s interesting to see ME described so accurately in printed word.
🙏❤️
I am surprised to learn that you relate so much to my bulleted list of characteristics that describe me. I am finding practicing the skills David Brooks outlines in his book rewarding. You might want to read the book … once your big event is over and you have the time. 🙂
Thank you Linda for spotlighting David Brook’s new book. I didn’t know about it. I have many of the issues you mention about yourself, i.e being reserved, etc.
I appreciate Brook’s vulnerability in naming these limitations and his work on them.
I will look at the book.
Love to you,
Ani
Ani, for our being so much alike, we certainly do a good job covering the bases when we do have a conversation. We move at a pretty fast clip!
I, too, appreciate David Brook’s vulnerability. It helps me learn at a deeper level.
Looking forward to our next conversation!
Linda, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being “a better listener than responder”! Perhaps if more of us did that, there would be less conflict! I think it’s because you are quiet, and choose your words, that I value your input more than someone who is endlessly expressing themselves!
And on the subject of trying to understand others, one of my favorite quotes is by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life, sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostilities.”
P.S. I also am a conflict avoider!
Sorry I am so tardy in responding to you, Ruth,
Thank you for the compliment to “listeners.” I agree that the world would be better if more of that was done. It’s a rare and valuable skill. I very much appreciating knowing how you value my input. That’s an honor!
And still, listening can be utilized when drawing people out … which I’m not so good at and am practicing. Listening afterwards, I learn more about the person. I’ve found value in being more intentional about that.
I empathize with your conflict avoidant skills. That’s something I’d like to work on as well.
And I love the Longfellow quote. So very true. We all have a story and when we hear another’s, it often elicits compassion and sometimes admiration … we all do the best we can to deal with the circumstances of our lives.
I am afraid I suffer from, “endlessly expressing” myself and am not the best listener. When I do listen I quickly fall into ‘fixer mode’. What a gift you are to teach me what I need and what I’m lacking!!!!
Loves….Diana
As usual, your comments strike uncannily and uncomfortably close to home…I continue to be grateful you find the time to share your thoughts. And I must say the same to your readers who so generously share their own insights/reactions to your posts.
Thank you, Jim … I just found this comment from you sent weeks ago very early in the morning, it appears. We must be very much alike. As a fellow writer, you have supported me in countless ways, and I appreciate you so very much. Thank you for your response to me and to my readers. You all give me the inspiration to continue sharing here.