Connection
A week or so before my cousin, Mike, and I held another of our conversations, I learned from his sister that he had been to a potential super-spreader event. She reamed him out for not being more careful.
I took a different approach. I told him how much he means to me … how I’m closer to him than any other member of the family … even closer that I was to my brother. “If you were to die, it would be a huge loss for me.”
We talked for another 45 minutes just catching up. It was an easy, loving conversation.
Speaking from experience tends to connect us.
Disconnection
And then politics came up. This Zoom conversation occurred shortly after the election. He told me about another family member who voted differently than we did because of the issue of abortion.
Speaking our beliefs tends to divide us.
I asked, “Is he willing to help pay the expenses of families who can’t afford more children but are forced to have them?”
Mike’s whole demeanor changed. A harshness entered as he voiced his “black and white” viewpoint about parents who can’t afford children.
My heart sank and I looked down. Mike noticed.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
At first I just nodded and said, “Yea, I’m okay.”
“You’re looking down.”
Honesty gushed forth. “I just feel so sad. A harshness entered your voice that doesn’t fit with the Jesus and God I know … that doesn’t fit with the goodness of your heart. I just feel so sad,” I cried out.
I went on to explain that I don’t see things in “black and white.” For me, things are a lot more complex.
I recounted the story of a woman experiencing guilt after an abortion and how I ministered to her. (Pg. 77-80 in A Long Awakening to Grace). I relayed my concern that it is the woman who most often carries the load while the man gets off scot free … as two men did in that woman’s life.
I added, “I still carry that woman in my heart and often wonder how life turned out for her.”
I told him stories from my own life where some might judge me but that I didn’t think God would. I conveyed what I had learned from those events. I spoke about the compassionate God of my experience.
“This is why I don’t think we should talk about beliefs,” I added.
Reconnection
He said softly, “How can we really know each other if we don’t? I wish I could have these kind of conversations with (a family member who judges him as opinionated).”
I said, “I know you have a good heart, Mike.”
He added, “And I know you have a good heart, too.”
We ended our conversation reaffirming our love for each other.
Curiosity
Mike and I have spoken only briefly since then and we didn’t touch on this conversation. We stayed safely in the “small talk” arena. I had been pondering how to move forward and needed more time to discern the best approach.
I kept thinking about something I’ve heard Oprah say often … something I experienced with my clients when I served as a relationship therapist … something I recognize within myself.
I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. … every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’ ~Oprah Winfrey
What stayed present for me after my conversation with Mike was “How can we really know each other … ?” and “I wish I could have these kind of conversations ….”
I think the next time we talk, curiosity will be the bridge. I truly want to know what those statements mean for him.
I suspect we will find common ground there … in our desire to genuinely see and hear each other … under our beliefs … at the level of meaning … true intimacy.
Stay tuned …
Good for you, Linda, for having this conversation, speaking from your heart. It’s always worthwhile, though often scary.
You are so right, Linda … scary it is. Had no idea this would come up so was into the thick of it before I had a chance to get scared. Sadness just welled up in me and a power greater than my own carried me forward. I am holding hope for more conversations from the heart with my cousin. I find little else as satisfying. Makes me feel as though I’m contributing in some small way to the healing of the polarization in our country.
I love the way you structured this post. It helps make the messiness of human differences more easily navigated. Very succinct. Very helpful. Thank you, Linda!
Thank you, Jen. Disconnection is often experienced in the most loving of relationships. The trick is to find you way back to connection. I hope my cousin and I will be able to find an even deeper connection as we swim in these choppy waters.
Sounds like such a good conversation! Approaching others as you did, Linda, in curiosity and with gentleness and kindness, willing to be vulnerable and share our experience (rather than our opinions and judgement) is the way to go if we want to have a real conversation. I will definitely stay tuned!
As I commented to Ruth, despite the skills I possess, I don’t always find them flowing easily in tense moments. I was definitely being guided to respond rather than react. I hope we can venture further into these topics while maintaining our love and regard for each other. I think it is so vital during these polarized times.
So good to read this, Linda. Thank you.
Glad you found it helpful.
I have heard you tell about this conversation but in reading your description of it, I am struck by what a turning point his awareness of your body language shifted the conversation and allowed you to speak to him honestly. Such a little thing is really so big sometimes.
Why I don’t think email or even phone conversations are the best venue for conversing on touchy subjects. Too easy to misconstrue intent. Body language speaks volumes when we pay attention to it. Thanks for noticing.
How insightful of you Linda, to tell about your experiences, and turn the conversation from ill feelings, back to listening. I was going to say that you have a gift – you ARE the gift!
Even though I have those skills and have even taught them, in the heat of the moment they often don’t come easily. In this instant, I was guided by a power greater than my own. If I am a gift, it is because of have been gifted. Thank you for your appreciation for what came forth.
A very touchy subject and one that nearly everyone should be able to relate to. It is a critical component of the challenges we face when we discuss opinions rather than discuss what options there are to deal with issues. Thanks Linda.
Jim
Thanks for weighing in, Jim,
I think we need to move beyond opinions and options in order to hear each other fully. Staying in connection with those we love who differ from is in significant ways is certainly a challenge. I know you have lots of experience with that and have navigated it with grace and love. In the end, that’s what matters most. Good for you.
Thank you for this , Linda. Such a good reminder that beliefs will never connect us like true intimacy of sharing, being validated by someone truly listening and understanding, to the best of their ability, what we are sharing.
And sharing that comes from heartfelt authenticity, vulnerability, and receptivity.
You are so welcome, Prema … and thank you for being someone in my life who connects with me using all these qualities.
Linda, thank you for posting this. It’s a sensitive topic. The calamity of Covid-19 seems to have uncovered problems in our American culture that hadn’t yet become so glaringly obvious. But now they are. We have a lot of work to do, don’t we? I’m glad to see this conversation continuing.
So good to find you here, Marilea … yes, we do have a lot of work to do and as you know, most of it is on ourselves … being the change we want to see in the world … a full time job. Thank you for the change you make.
omg, I love that! “Being the change we want to see in the world.” Knowing that we can lead by example puts pressure on us, doesn’t it? Helps us be the best we can be, a continual work in progress. Thank you, too, for you and all authors trying to effect change in the world.
You can thank Ghandi for “being the change we want to see in the world.” Yes, it puts a lot of pressure on us … in the best sense of the word. You’ve got that right … it’s a process. We all do what we can in the way we’ve been gifted … writing is one way and seems to me my most effective way.
Oh Linda, I could hear your gentle voice speaking as you related your conversation with your cousin. Your courage and your love. Such a gift to you both and to those of us who you shared it with. I just read this morning a meditation on how fear can shut down our connections. Moving through it with grace leads to the kind of exchange you shared about. Thank you and love, Penny
Your message is quite timely, Penny,
You would get a charge out of why that is true if we talked. Shades of our Process days.
I do hope my cousin experiences our conversations as a gift of love … they are meant to be. And because these kinds of conversations are so difficult for so many in our day and age, I thought sharing about one that went well might be helpful to others. I’m grateful for all the comments that indicate that is the case.
Yes, fear can shut down connections and I must admit, I do experience fear when we get into talking about beliefs. It is a bit like walking through a mine field. But my cousin seems to want these kind of conversations in his life and I’m determined to be faithful. I know it is a growth-producing experience for me and not always comfortable.
Thank you so much for your much-needed-at-this-moment comments. Much love back at you.
I would love/welcome a real-time conversation with you. After all these years, I still feel a special connection with you. ❤️
I, too, would love a real-time conversation. I also feel a special connection with you. And it is important to me to maintain contact with people who have been special in my life … who have contributed to my growth. And you are one of those folks. Check you email for phone numbers. Let’s talk soon.
I so admire your ongoing willingness and ability to be authentically you. It is a gift for all of us!
You must have had a lot of time on your hands today. I see that you read and liked several of my posts. Thank you for saying that what I write and the way I write is a gift to my readers. I can’t tell you what that means to me. Makes it worthwhile to continue. You honor me and, of course, that means you are authentic, too. Otherwise you wouldn’t have noticed.