Understanding
A PBS documentary, “Love Wins Over Hate,” deepened my understanding of fanaticism. It featured six former extremists sharing their stories of how they got into hate-filled movements and what led them to get out.
It is no surprise that their stories of attraction to these movements are filled with:
- Feeling marginalized and as though they don’t belong … even in their family
- A sense of emptiness and a need to belong … fit-in somewhere
- Lack of self-esteem and confidence … often self-hatred
- A sense of superiority while at the same time feeling threatened by others
- Festering unprocessed abuse and trauma
- Searching for an excuse to let rage out and a vehicle to focus it
- All this leaving them vulnerable to being recruited by groups & movements fomenting hate
- Overwhelming hatred directed at others and against each other
Christian Picciolini lives with the fact that the hate-filled lyrics he wrote thirty years ago during his white supremacist days are spread far and wide on the internet. They were the words Dylann Roof posted before he shot nine members of a Bible study group at Mother Emmanuel AME church in Charleston, South Carolina on June 17, 2017. They are the words that might have inspired Roof to do what he did.
This is the reality of our words … ~ Christian Picciolini
Christian’s phrase stuck with me. I am reminded to be mindful of the words I choose when posting my frustration with political leaders and their supporters on social media. As a writer, I know the power of words. I would rather mine contribute to understanding, or connection, or healing division than to the polarization that endangers us all.
Grace
Who among us has not experienced a sense of not belonging? I have … even in my family … along with a lack of self-esteem and confidence that at times verged on self-hatred. I, too, have a legacy of intergenerational trauma accompanied by a longing to fit in somewhere. I, too, have experienced hurt at being disregarded and anger at perceived rejection.
Hatred is born of ignorance. Fear is its father. Isolation is its mother. … People find their way into any extremist movement for typically the same reasons. It’s a search for identity, community, and purpose. But they’ve followed a path riddled with potholes … trauma, abuse, mental illness, poverty, even privilege can be a pothole if it segregates us from the reality of the world. ~Christian Picciolini
In a recent conversation with two close friends, I had an opportunity to get a sense of how my fun-loving family must experience my intensity. By nature, I am a serious, reflective woman (as the tone of my blog posts attest) whose idea of fun … well, let’s just say it doesn’t fit the norm. I could benefit from lightening up. My family would probably be more comfortable with me if I did.
This conversation opened my eyes to how I’ve thought of myself as a victim … emphasizing “poor little me” viewed by my family as “weird”. To deal with this hurt, I resorted to judgment and rejection … viewing my activities as superior to their brand of “fun-loving.”
“Hurt people hurt people. … I’ll reject you before you have a chance to reject me.”
I said to my friends, who were only sharing the way they navigate relationships with family members they love, “I’m feeling really confronted by this conversation.”
Seeing the “extremist hater/judging rejecter” within me … this “shadow side” of myself was hard.
In another conversation where we were exploring our views on evil, two of us admitted to being bullies when we were young. In sixth grade, I spent what seemed like a full day in the principal’s office for bullying a classmate. And what led this normally “nice girl” to turn to bullying … jealousy.
Watching “Love Wins Over Hate,” I couldn’t help but notice,
“There but for the grace of God go I.”
External Connections
I believe that connection is the anti-dote to hate. It’s hard to connect … sit in a room and have a conversation … and continue to hate them. Once we’re connected, my hate melts away. ~Shannon Foley Martinez, former Neo-Nazi
The six featured former extremists relayed the connections that influenced them to give up hate and embrace love:
- Becoming a parent and not wanting their children to be filled with the same hate they carried.
- Being shown love and kindness when they knew they didn’t deserve it … kindness extended to them left less room for hatred.
- Being forgiven … being helped to begin their own rigorous process of self-forgiveness.
- Meeting strangers from the group they hated and finding how much in common they had … learning that we all want essentially the same things in life.
Fortunately for me, my mentors were loving … sometimes dishing out tough love and bringing me back to reality when my “potholes” revealed themselves. Fortunately for me, I have a host of friends who like me, and even love me, just the way I am … well, maybe they like me well enough to tolerate some of my rough edges.
Without these nurturing connections …
there but for the grace of God go I.
Internal Connections
While the connections Shannon referred to were of the external human-to-human kind, I think it is equally important for us to make two internal connection:
- Connecting with the shadow within us … as I did with my “extremist hater/judging rejecter.” Unless we are aware of the darkness we carry within, we will unconsciously act it out. At some level, extreme or not, that will lead to pain and regrets and a need for forgiveness.
As I watched the scenes of hatred acted out in the documentary, the words that came to me were,
“Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”
- Connecting with the light within us … as I am attempting to do while writing this post. Writing this is a part of my process of forgiving myself for the ways I contributed to disconnection in our family … a part of my process of discerning how to connect with them in the future in a more respectful way.
Watching hate-filled scenes, it became so clear that these people were totally disconnected from the light within them … and with no inner light shining, darkness reigned within and around them.
Today, with their unique lights shining for the benefit of us all, these former extremists attempt to help others out of darkness and make amends for the pain their darkness fomented. Today they are an inspiration!
… it takes great courage to be a loving person for no reason other than because love is the highest calling of a human being. ~Caroline Myss
Intimate Conversations with the Divine: Prayer, Guidance, and Grace
I must look for this documentary. I have read Christian Picciolini’s book twice. It is most enlightening, and I admire the way that he has devoted his life to saving others.
I hope you are able to find the documentary, Alison. I had not heard of any of the featured people before, but I’ve done a little research on them since viewing the documentary and it is pretty impressive what they are doing. They all seem devoted to saving others. Certainly admirable. Thank you for commenting. You, too, are doing some admirable work. So that you took time to comment means a lot.
Kindness and light, love and forgiveness – that is what overcomes darkness and hate. Until we face our own stuff/shadow/issues, we will continue to hurt others from our own pain. Thank you Linda for another very thoughtful post. This issue is everywhere in our country right now, around political issues as well as racial ones. Very relevant and timely!
I had no idea when I posted it, how relevant it would be. Thanks for your resonance and thoughts.
How important it is for each of us to reach out to those ‘spewing’ what appears radical to us! One person, reaching, over and over again, and not going away can change someones ‘spewing’, broadening their perspective and warming their heart. I believe it is just deep listening which I am trying to teach myself cause I have not been a good listener in my life, let alone a deep listener, now trying to listening for what is not said….
I must admit, I have a hard time reaching out to those “spewing.” And I express myself in writing much better than I articulate with spoken words. I usually see so many perspectives at once that I can’t gather my thoughts to say anything significant or coherent. I think you have been quite successful with your family doing that and I admire you greatly for that. Plus, you are much more articulate with the spoken word than I am.
I agree with you about listening … that is something I am pretty good at … but only if the other is willing to engage in a rational discussion. I don’t handle spewing well.
I am so glad you are a writer……just read your post. Wow! What insights. A stellar piece. Hope this one will go in your book. Thanks for sharing. Made me stop and think.
I agree, Cindi!
Thanks, Jen.
Thank you, Cindi … and for your call. My insights come to me after reading people much wiser than I am and listening deeply to the still small voice of wisdom within. This one grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go until I wrote it and posted it. So interesting that it came the day before January 6.
Thanks for bringing this documentary to my attention. I have long suspected the extreme haters were suffering inside. Some say there are only two emotions: love and fear. I have hope this morning that connecting with others we don’t understand will bring us all some peace.
I think the documentary is profound and I hope you watch it. Your suspicions are right. That love and fear are the only two emotions makes sense to me. All others are a variation on those two. I, too, have hope for connections bringing us healing and peace. Thank you for commenting.
Superb blog, Linda. So powerful. What resonates deeply with me is the quote by Shannon Foley, “I believe that connection is the anti-dote to hate. ” I deeply believe that and will sit with it and take it in. Thank you.
I look forward to hearing how it works in you as you sit with it and take it in. I, too, agree with Shannon. After working for years as a therapist … in the field of chemical dependency … at the root of all the anger that often underlies addiction is a human searching for their spirituality. I was often in awe at the soul who emerged with sobriety … wonderful, loving people under all that pain.
Beautiful, and thought provoking. Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and help us see the common humanity in each of us.
Thank you for your affirmation, Laurel. It means a lot coming from you because I know the efforts you have made to connect with those who think differently than you do. I know how loving you are as you reach out. I admire that about you greatly.
This is a very powerful post, Linda — and very timely. The violence at the U.S. Capitol yesterday was certainly an example of the power of words. Thank you for highlighting in a very vulnerable and loving way the importance of each of us facing our own shadow side so that we don’t interact with others out of our shadow. When we can learn to know, love, and forgive ourselves, we are then free to know, love, and forgive others.
Thank you for your very wise comments, Carol. As I mentioned to Cindy, I had no idea how relevant this post would be. I sincerely hope it contributes in some small way to healing the chasm in our country.