In response to the curiosity of several readers, here is what I can say about my opportunity to creatively move beyond polarization. I have been given permission to share this with you.
Let’s Start with My Growth Edge
I’m a conflict avoider. In the face of it, my body constricts. Stomach, chest, brain … often paralyzed with fear as though something disastrous is about to happen. Not helpful.
I believe that is part of what drew me to becoming a family and relationship therapist. Communication skills help move people who love and care for each other from conflict to understanding and often to healing. What an honor and privilege to facilitate that potentially transformative process. When it works well, it is truly a holy experience.
Braver Angels utilizes some of those same skills as they attempt to reduce divisive vitriol by helping liberals and conservatives understand each other beyond stereotypes. I actively engaged with them for a couple of years pre-pandemic. While I believe their work is important, I’m not skilled and drawn to debating issues. My interest is in developing lasting relationships that deepen over time.
And so it is that reading about Attorney Heather Shaner’s creativity in working with her clients strengthened my desire to find my own creative way of moving beyond polarization. (See my September 10 post titled Beyond Polarization)
What’s Important to Me
Beyond the content details lies what is really important … the dynamics. I’ve put in italics words in what follows as clues to what I see as essential.
My cousin, Mike, and I have an intentional relationship. I care deeply about him. He called me. We have an agreement to explore our differences honestly and with respect ... to be authentic as we explore our different religious/political orientations. We share a desire for our relationship to deepen.
While I initially felt hesitant about entering these swirling waters, I was assured that our relationship is strong enough to withstand our differences. I trusted Mike’s good heart. And so, I agreed to dip my toe in.
Entering the Waters
His fulfilling volunteer work is a frequent topic of our conversations. Receiving positive feedback about the difference he makes is rewarding and happens frequently. However, in this conversation I heard him give judgmental words to a person in distress.
My stomach clenched.
The conversation continued and I couldn’t even hear what was being said. I was busy confronting my conflict avoidance. Did I have the courage to speak up and be authentic as we agreed we would do?
It was clear to me that these words came from black/white, right/wrong, good/bad thinking and not from Mike’s good heart. Additionally, the words reflected unexamined personal issues. These set the stage for polarization.
Finally, I said, “I just need to say that I’m uncomfortable with …. That is not how I was trained to be with people in distress.”
I asked if he would like to hear more. He said, “Yes.”
I honestly felt guided as our conversation continued. Words flowed as I strongly and directly named the personal issues I saw. I emphasized that I also have issues in this area, and I have learned in my training not to inflict my issues on another person, especially when they are already in distress.
All the while I kept my eye on how much I love Mike, expressing wherever possible that while judgement may not have been in his heart, his words were judgmental.
At one point, he put me in a political box. I used the complexities in my approach to the issue which are based in personal experience to demonstrate how polarized thinking only increases misunderstanding and disconnection. I shared about Heather Shaner and how she is dealing with her client’s complexities. I pointed out that if we explored the issue in depth, we’d probably find that we aren’t as far apart as imagined.
Gracious Acceptance
Mike expressed appreciation and thanks for my intervention.
I reciprocated with appreciation for the graciousness with which he received what I had to say. I admitted to being a conflict avoider and that it was very difficult for me to speak up.
Again, he expressed gratitude for our conversation. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
We reaffirmed our intention to continue our honest and loving relationship. I noted that this is probably the greatest test we’ve faced to date.
Five Days Later
I received another call. It was apparent that Mike had given a lot of thought to our conversation. He began by listing several steps he had already taken to expand his knowledge bank.
Additionally, a shift in self-perception had occurred … a transformative awareness leading to seeing differences in where it is appropriate to listen deeply and where to share one’s faith.
Needless to say, I was beyond impressed!
Toward the end of the conversation, I shared feedback I had received recently about the difference I am making in someone’s life. I said, “I have no idea what I’ve done.”
Mike said, “I know.” Then there was silence.
“Well, are you going to tell me?” I implored.
Then I realized he was choked up.
I waited.
“Because you did it for me. You didn’t judge me. You just tried to help me learn how to do what I love to do better.”
I teared up and patted my heart.
Awe and deep gratitude filled me for
- being given the courage to speak up
- opportunities afforded me to receive quality training
- wisdom beyond my own guiding our conversation
- the spiritual practices that help me listen to that guidance
- gracious acceptance
- transformation
- moving beyond polarization
- reaching a new depth in our relationship
And most of all for the love that binds us together … which in the end is what is most important for all of us … personally and politically. That, my friends, is the opportunity that dropped in my lap. It turned out to be one of my most significant spiritual experiences.
A spiritual experience requires being in relationship and I would venture to say you were both responding to the universal pull to be in relationship, not only with each other but to something bigger than each of you and were being informed by THAT, whatever name you want to give it. We all need to build a new “sensing organ” and you are both a beautiful example of doing that and the results it offers. I thank each of you for sharing this as it is a model we all need to follow!!!! I know you are a rare human being Linda, and Mike, I am sure you are reading this, YOU ARE ALSO!.
I so resonate with a spiritual experience being a pull to be in relationship with another and with something bigger. I do know that Mike and I were being informed by that in our conversation. And it is because that pull to something bigger that Mike courageously agreed to allow me to post this with his identity. Initially I was going to post it anonymously so no one would even know if I was talking with a man or a woman. But something kept tugging at me to be more transparent. When I asked Mike about that, he agreed. I guess that does make us rare.
Thank you for capturing the bigger picture, Diana, as you are known to do often. Your gift.
What a loving, enriching relationship you and Mike have! And what a beautiful example this is of how honest, healthy communication between two people who genuinely care about one another enough to work through their defenses can lead to a more intimate, spiritual connection. You and Mike both deserve a lot of credit for the courage to take this risk.. And thank you, Linda, for using your gift as a writer to share this experience with others so that the ripple effect of spiritual connectedness can enrich us all..
This is beautiful. Thank you Linda.😘❤️😘
Oh Karen, it means so much to me that you let me know that you found my conversation with Mike beautiful. I so cherish your depth and that makes your comment rich. You are so welcome and thank you for reading my post and commenting.
Thank you, Carol. Because of the disconnection in my family, I never expected to have a loving, enriching relationship with a family member. Mike initiated this honesty. I was worried it would end our relationship. I am in awe of the way this conversation unfolded and how it has brought Mike and me even closer together than before. What a gift. We have identified several other topics we want to explore in future conversations. Mike deserves the credit for having the courage to allow me to identify him. We are both committed to something larger than ourselves which is why we posted. I do hope it has some kind of significant ripple effect in this polarized world in which we find ourselves. Thank you for your generous comments.
“You’ve given me something to think about” are probably among the most rewarding words one can hear, especially at the end of a particularly difficult conversation. But then we must follow through on the actual “thinking about it” process in order to make a difference in our lives. It can’t just be an empty comment we make to appease the other person, but rather a deep promise to ourselves to actually do the thinking and praying to be enlightened along the way and Linda, you are a Master Facilitator of that! And a pat on the back to Mike for actually doing that follow-through work for himself.
Mike deserves the credit here. I was pretty blown away by the steps he took after our conversation. I see him in a transformative process in his life and I have deep respect for that. It takes courage and he is demonstrating that courage in many ways. Endears him all the more to me.
Oh Linda, what a beautiful testimony to living what you believe in. Thank you. You have shown me a way to have difficult conversations with people I love.
Thank you, Penny. I just knew I needed to share this conversation as a testimony to all the opportunities I’ve had to learn a different way of communicating that represents the spiritual path of Wisdom I seek to follow. I do hope it is a worthy model that can be useful to others. Keep me posted about how it works for you.
Linda, I just want to say thank you to all 0f your followers for the many kind words shared in their replies to your blog about us. I know how I am in Christ Jesus, Ephesians chapters 1 & 2 tells us that.
But who am I to the known and unknown persons that God puts in my path? I have some year tacked on this old body and I know i have become dull & listless in my approach to others. So, I am extremely thankful for Linda. and the mutual benefit of shearing our thoughts and beliefs with one another.
I, too, am grateful, Mike, for our conversations and the spirit into which we enter them. I am grateful for your curiosity and open-mindedness about my very different approach to religion, spirituality, and politics. I never expected to be able to have conversations like the ones we’ve been having with a family member. I think we are two outliers in the Marshall family, and even though we come at things from a different direction, we value deep and authentic conversations … we value growing in the spirit and being of benefit to others. That means a lot to me. Thank you for your courage in allowing me to post this. As you can see, it meant a lot to others as well.
What a testament to mutual healing. What stands out as a take away for others is when you asked Mike if he would like to hear more. Whether people are like-minded or from another perspective, giving them the choice to hear feedback is respectful and opens the gate for mutual understanding. Thank you Linda and Mike for sharing this powerful experience. It’s more of what the world needs right now!
The Intentional Dialogue I learned in my training as an Imago Relationship Therapist emphasizes calming our reactivity and remaining curious with the line, “Tell me more.” We ask that until the other has no more to say. Even when what they say is hard to hear … when it is confrontive of our way of being … we continue to invite, “Tell me more.” Those three words in a spirit of curiosity are the gateway to healing and deepening the relationship.
I find that listening deeply is a skill that few people have and could be crucial in the healing of the polarization our country is experiencing. We need to move beyond putting people in boxes and discern what is really in their hearts. Hard when their viewpoint and worldview is so different than our own. The alternative, however, only increases the pain we are experiencing. At least, that’s how I see it.
Thanks for noticing, Jen.
This is love, vulnerability, courage. What a joy to witness this for you and Mike. Thank you both for your willingness to share this. I believe this is what we all truly want and need, acknowledging our strong connection to one another.
I so agree, Laurel … evidence of our strong connection to each other. I’m grateful to have that with Mike. It is something I never dreamed would happen with a member of my disconnected family. It is truly a gift.