Confusion
On my return from a few days away … a delightful and much needed break … I received a phone call from Liz, the intake person at Nicole’s assisted living facility. June 30 is move-in day. Her room is just a few doors down from where the foster kittens are housed.
A packet along with a letter from the Job Center lay on the dining room table. The packet included documents for the “nursing home.” It asked for a lot of information that doesn’t apply to Nicole. A threatening deadline of 6/21 was included. I called the case manager to clarify. Of course, I got her voicemail and no return call.
And so, I made an appointment to see Liz to sign the necessary papers and give her the information in the packet. Liz was clear. We have lots of people on Medicaid and I’ve never had to fill out this kind of paperwork. This is for a nursing home and we are an assisted living facility. And besides that, Nicole is already on Medicaid. We are just asking for the waiver
And so, I called the evaluator from the Area Agency on Aging for clarification. She was sympathetic. “The Job Center makes the process so difficult.” She confirmed that these are forms for a nursing home.
And so I sent an email to the Job Center case manager clarifying Nicole’s Medicaid status and letting her know that I’ve been informed by two agencies that these forms are not necessary.
The next day, I took the two pieces of information clearly asked for in the confusing letter to the Job Center. I fulfilled their request to the best of my ability.
The gate keepers at the Job Center were not friendly and so I didn’t get the clarification I would have liked. The scanner scanned them without comment.
I thought I had done what needed to be done.
What Now?
That afternoon, I checked my email one last time before The Dayton Dreamers scheduled zoom call. The message from the Job Center Case Manager sent me in a tizzy. Her message was short, indicating the information is needed for both a nursing home and assisted living. O how I wished I could talk with her.
I couldn’t concentrate on the Dreamers. My mind was in a whirl. Who can I talk with about this? Who might help me?
The Ombudsman office! They had helped a lot several years ago when there was confusion with the Job Center. They called them, talked with the Case Manager there, and straightened everything out.
I told my dream buddies my dilemma and that I needed to attend to this.
I left the group and called the Ombudsman office. The person answering asked about the nature of my call. I launched into a detailed explanation.
About half-way in, she stopped me mid-sentence and went into a lengthy explanation about how she is the receptionist and really doesn’t understand what I’m talking about and will need to refer me to one of their case managers. I would receive a call back.
My anxiety rose. In the past, I was put right through. And so, I rejoined the Dreamers.
One member of the group recommended that I visualize little angels moving across the wires and clearing the way for a smooth resolution.
Another reminded me of a mutual friend who sent the Holy Spirit ahead of her …
She didn’t even get to finish her sentence when I blurted out, “I’ll bet she’s never had to deal with the Job Center.”
My phone rang. It was an out-of-town number. I answered anyway. I muted myself and turned my speaker off so as not to disturb the Dreamers. When no one spoke, I hung up thinking it was a robocall.
I rejoined the group but couldn’t really concentrate on the dream being shared. My anxiety continued to build. I closed my eyes, took several deep breaths, and tried to envision those little angels clearing the way … the Holy Spirit going before me. But the pressure in my chest only continued to build.
Who else might help?
Maybe Nicole’s new Case Manager! At last, she has one!!! Maybe she understands the Job Center.
I bowed out of the group once more and made this call. Of course, I got her voicemail and no return call.
I rejoined the group. Sounded like a really powerful dream was being worked on and I was missing most of it. Darn!
That out-of-town number called again. I answered again and this time there was a voice. It was the Ombudsman Case Manager. It seems she works from home … out of town. Strange.
She told me the Job Center tries to scare people.
They succeeded with me … as they have many times in the past.
She told me not to send in any forms. “The facility will know how to deal with this when Nicole moves in. They deal with this all the time. Don’t worry.”
It seems the Ombudsman Office isn’t what it used to be. A familiar refrain these days.
I rejoined the Dreamers just as they were getting ready to say their goodbye’s. I missed all of the dream’s message.
Upon Reflection
After the group ended, I reflected on my response to the help my Dreamer buddies were offering. Why did I react so abruptly to “send the Holy Spirit before you”?
What came to me is that I use a different approach in my spiritual practice. I’m more used to praying “for Divine guidance” rather than “guiding the Divine.”
I tried to “guide” as my friends suggested … however without success. My anxiety just continued to build.
I wondered, “Does this mean I don’t trust my ability to guide … that I doubt my God-given personal power?”
As I write, that threatening deadline looms.
I’m trying not to worry.
And I continue to reflect. Hmmm!
My experience is that when I’m steeped in anxiety, it’s hard to get a handle on guidance. It seems that you are doing all you can do for Nicole’s move to go smoothly but the system really is terrible and creates anxiety. The system is not rational nor does it have reliable, trustworthy leadership. The system has no clear or consistent guidance, so how can you or others trust it? There seems to be little choice but to be beholden by it…deemed nearly powerless in the face of it. You, Linda, know that better than most people. For me, I wouldn’t think of it in terms of guidance, but rather of surrender. You have crossed the “T”s and dotted the “I”s and continue to carry this unstable, dysfunctional system that will grant a waiver to the finish line. Surrender…please, God, I hand it over to you. It’s going to be a tough 10 days and I hope self-care is part of it. Prayers and blessings for you and Nicole.
The bottom line always comes to surrender. As an Enneagram One who prefers to be in control, this is hard … especially when it involves my responsibility to my daughter. I feel great compassion for those folks (my daughter would be one of them if not for me), who don’t have the resources to deal with this dysfunctional, punitive system.
I’ve experienced miracles before when surrendering. I will carry that with me as we enter the home stretch. Thank you for your support and understanding.
Wow! What a stressful experience! It does seem that the only thing one can do in this situation is to pray for divine guidance and then surrender/trust that you will receive it as you continue to work tenaciously for a solution. Seems like a contradiction, but you are good at both of those – surrender and tenacity. I will keep you in my prayers as you continue on this journey.
I appreciate your vote of confidence … that I’m good at both surrender and tenacity. Not so sure about being good at surrender. Never find it easy. And as I said to Jen, I’ve experienced miracles when I’m able to do it. I’ll draw on that as we enter the home stretch this week. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. Means a lot!
I so appreciate your writings, your willingness to be vulnerable, your ability to share your experience and your wisdom!
I too have sought guidance rather than guiding & I’ve been reflecting on this since I read this Blog entry. I don’t even know if I know how exactly to guide the Divine or for me the Divine Universe. So I will continue to ponder this and see what comes.
Thank you for sharing your gifts!
You know, Lauri, after I posted that blog piece, I realized I do have some experience with guiding. When I had lymphoma, I visualized tiny, little angels coursing through my body and holding up their hands … sending energy to dissolve the cancer cells. Seemed preferable to the war-like visualizations usually suggested. Fits better with my image of The Divine. That was in 2009 and, as far as I know, I’m cancer-free today.
On the day I wrote about … dealing with an impersonal, punitive system when I’m in the middle of a lengthy process of doing the best I can for my daughter in a compassionate way … my anxiety was so high I just couldn’t even imagine guiding … I needed guidance pronto. At least it gave me something interesting to ponder.
I would be interested to know what comes for you as you ponder this for yourself.
Thank you for your affirmation related to my willingness to be vulnerable. While it’s been a trademark of sorts for me, I’m finding it harder and harder to do. And so your encouragement keeps me going. It means a lot.