Grief is not the bottom line here, only the alchemical fire. Transfiguration is the bottom line. ~Cynthia Bourgeault in Eye of the Heart: A Spiritual Journey into the Imaginal Realm
In my journey to understand my patterns, I encountered a giant disappointment. I seemed on the brink of an experience I’d longed for since I was a young child … only to have it slip away in a most humiliating manner.
To my credit, I took grown-up responsibility for my part and faced how dishonoring and demeaning of my TRUE SELF I had been. That led to awareness of another wrinkle in the pattern.
LONGING > EXPECTATION > SABOTAGE > DISAPPOINTMENT > GRIEF
Enter the Shadow
Grief often looks like depression. As those closest to me noted the tenor to my despair at this loss, they were sure I was depressed. I couldn’t argue with them and even began taking an anti-depressant … something I hadn’t needed since the early 90s.
My mood didn’t lift, however. It only grew darker as feelings of jealousy, envy, resentment, anger, and judgementalism entered the picture. I felt too ashamed to give them voice and I couldn’t help but notice how these feelings are emblematic of the shadow side of my Enneagram One Personality Type.
Before I did anything I would regret by moving to sabotage, I made an appointment to see my therapist, though calling her a therapist doesn’t do her justice. She is so much more … she’s an amazing energy healer. And even that description doesn’t do her justice.
An Opportunity
In the meantime, I was asked to lead a group in the study of The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer … a book I had read and outlined for another group around 10 years ago. I love leading small groups and accepting that invitation lifted my mood. It gave me a sense of purpose again. I was sharing my gifts as a small group facilitator, benefitting others as well as myself. I thrilled when members of the group shared healing awareness’s and awakenings they were experiencing.
And it wasn’t the opportunity I thought it was. And it was just what I needed … that transfiguration needed to unravel more of the picture … the subject of my third piece.
What experience have you had with discovering an opportunity in your grief?
Grief…what a word…not sure I can even describe it beyond a great sense for your self, for someone you love, for the planet itself, for the messiness of evolution itself. Probably all four. Right now I am grieving for all four of those and using borrowed strength to stay balanced. I say borrowed strength because I don’t have enough to even come close to holding it all. I can’t describe the source of that strength…those around me, past relations who watch me, a process in consciousness that is there to draw from when needed, the ULTIMATE MYSTERY we can call THE DIVINE. I happen to believe the last in present in the other three. In the face of that grief and I can only trust….
typo…a great sense of loss for yourself….
Interesting perspective … what stands out for me is “a great sense of loss FOR yourself.” As I’ve lived into this experience, what I’ve discovered is that I was grieving for “a great sense of loss OF myself.” What a surprise, as I’ve discovered and will write about in future posts, is that I was in the process of FINDING mySELF.
And in that, we can surely trust!
The Great Author of all of LIFE has quite a sense of humor!