This was written before the events of November 5. I hope you are practicing self-care. I practice through reading spiritual leaders with wisdom beyond my own and through contemplative writing … a form of prayer for me.
Voice finds its greatest amplification through story. ~Terry Tempest Williams
This story of discovery … of emerging wisdom is best told in four segments. Today is the first of four. May it find its greatest amplification here. 
Faced with a Conundrum
With most of my conundrums, I turn to sources of wisdom. These past 3-4 years I’ve relied on these sources which have served as coalescing guides:
- Spiritual teacher, Caroline Myss;
- Jungian Podcast, This Jungian Life;
- Dreamers, a dream group led by local Jungian scholar, Teresa Ramsey
As a result, what I’ve been exploring to understand myself, my life, and life in general includes:
- archetypal patterns playing out in my life, the masks/roles I show to the world
- the murky shadow I try to hide even from myself
- my repressed emotions (complexes) that cause psychological disturbances … Teresa, our Dream Group’s leader, is always looking for complexes as we share our dreams.
- my masculine/feminine sides, and
- the unifying wholeness/oneness of being we all strive to live into
Out of Hiding
During this 3-4 years of inner disturbance, I’ve been in hiding. I used to be known for “giving voice to difficult topics in a heart-felt, vulnerable, and courageous manner” … especially through my writing and here in my blog … Heart Ponderings.
Not so much of late. My unifying wholeness eluded me. While engaged in the exploration process, I lacked the courage to share it here … to be that vulnerable. Now I’m ready to come out of hiding.
A Murky Pattern of Sabotage
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. ~ Carl Jung
In my regular spiritual readings, for the first time, I began to notice discussion about patterns. When the student is ready, she notices things that have been there all along but she failed to detect. As I pondered, a pattern of mine began to reveal itself.
EXPECTATION > DISAPPOINTMENT > SABOTAGE
I reviewed my life, noticing how this pattern showed up over and over … wincing about relationships I had unknowingly sabotaged as this pattern played out. I apologized when possible and worked to break the pattern.
And then I encountered a giant disappointment. How would I deal with that? That will be the subject of my next posting.
I am told this pattern is a common one. How do you relate?
Dear Linda, you are a warrior and you are well trained to ‘battle with the ego’ and its complexes. When you feel the moment is right for you to speak, your words are full of wisdom and helpfulness. Truly, I often feel like I am witness to a brilliant mind coming out of the shadows when we are in Dream Group. We are learning together, and we help each other gather the courage to come out of the shadows and be vulnerable. Something you and another member of our group said recently has stayed with me: can you feel the love that is around you? Am I able to take it in and know it, absorb its healthy vital energy of restoration? All the thinking in the world will not heal things in quite the profound way going through the heart and feeling the love can do. I look forward to your next chapter. Big Hug, Soul Sister!
I feel seen when you notice that “when the moment is right for you to speak, your words are full of wisdom and helpfulness. I so agree about our need to go through the heart … and I’m hearing more and more “experts” recommend that … especially in this time of so much fear. I am honored to be considered a “Soul Sister.” Big hugs back at you!
Your writings peak interest and one always wants to hear more. I have almost given up on expectation but BLINDLY walk into sabotage that results in disappointment not even knowing what I did but work hard on resilience. Seems at different times in our life one of these three acts on us in greater ways but the ‘working on them’ never stops does it?!? I guess it never should as evolution teaches us we can’t get ‘there’ as it doesn’t exist. There is always more work to get done!!! I love doing this work in a collective way instead of alone and your podcast helps us do that!!!
“Working on them never stops” … how true it is. And it’s so lovely when a breakthrough happens! I’m glad my blog helps the collective … I don’t think it’s possible to do this work alone. It is in rubbing shoulders with others that we discover more about ourselves … if we have the courage to look … because often we won’t like what we see … and offering our less-than-desirable awakenings helps us all grow into the fullness of who we are. “Trust the Process” a wise teacher once taught me. I’ve come to value it more and more the older I get.
It’s humbling how in one moment we can awaken to something that has been lingering right under the surface for our entire lives. It is healing when our patterns are revealed and we can work on integrating them. As you know, the Saboteur is an archetype that all humans share. Self-sabotage is a natural human tendency. I look forward to reading about the next pattern!
Yes, Jen … a natural human tendency. And being unaware only makes the consequences more painful. And so I work to become aware. And I’ve been given many opportunities of late to become aware. A painful and worthwhile process! Thanks for your interest in the journey we all take in one way or another.